New Uniforms for Congress!

So here's my idea. All Senators and Congress People have to wear the logos of their corporate sponsors like race car drivers.

We need to see when a congress person or senator gets up to speak on CSPAN who they are owned by.

For example, when the good Senator from the Sate of Montana gets up to speak against single payer health care, it would be nice if we can clearly see on his "uniform" all the campaign contributions from the insurance companies, health care providers, or pharmaceutical companies that he has taken. The bigger the donation, the higher up and the bigger it is on his uniform.

I think this is an idea whose time has come.

New Post - 9/27/08

I didn't know what else to call this post. Its been almost three months since my last post, and there is so much to write about, so okay, let me just get into it.

In my last post on July 4th, I spoke about my new film, Explode. Well I am glad to say the film has wrapped principal photography and is in the can. We shot it in seven and a half days in September.

I held a casting session on August 28th for some of the principal roles, started shooting on Sept 9, and wrapped Sept. 25. We shot a few days a week, around my work schedule.

I'll write more about Explode's production in a future post. I think it could be a good read for anyone who wants to make a small movie with no money and no crew. (I had a crew of six, and some of them were only on the film one day.)

But for now, to my cast and crew, I can't thank you enough. Your participation in the film was remarkable, and means so much to me. I couldn't have made this film without the help of the amazing Kris Cahill, who took time away from her painting studio to help produce this film for me, Rita Hausberger, my DP, and Leila Perry, my wardrobe designer and costumer.

To Joe Estevez, Circus*Szalewski, and the other 21 actors with speaking roles in the film,(24 speaking parts in such a small movie!!!!) I can't say enough how much I appreciate your participation and what a remarkable job you all did under such difficult conditions.


When I started planning this film, I didn't expect to start a new career, finally hanging up my server's apron. Did I find a job in the entertainment field like I was looking for? Did I land a studio production job? No, not yet, but if anyone from a studio is reading this, I'm still available and ready to start tomorrow; no, I started a new career as a car salesman. A what? That's right, you heard me, an automobile car sales professional. I thought it would be interesting, and I hoped I could make more money than waiting tables. Hey, if you are in So Cal and are looking for a new or pre-owned vehicle, drop me a line.

So a new job, lots of uncertainty in the market, a collapsing economy, a contentious election, a world in turmoil, and what do I do? I make a small dramatic feature on credit cards. I am a nut, but a film nut who just has to do my own thing, make my own art, and not let anyone tell me I can't.

September was also a busy month for me as an actor, in that two films I shot in the last year were going to have premieres. One, the long anticipated The $179.92 Movie, premiered last Thursday in Hollywood. It was fun to see, and my three scenes looked great.

The other film, the much bigger Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge, is calling itself the worlds most expensive and comprehensive adult feature in the world! With a cast of sexy superstars, Pirates 2 is already the most pre-ordered title ever. In fact, the movie is so popular, they are releasing an R rated version as well.

Tonights red carpet premiere and media event at a classic movie palace in downtown Los Angeles is going to be a blast. And guess what? You can see my character, Blind Ed, in the trailer - twice! Yeah, I'm in the trailer. First time a role I play is in the trailer for a film. But not the last time, I can tell you that. Here is a link to the Pirates 2 website, where you can see the trailer, but be warned, it is a XXX adult site.

So as you can see, its been a pretty busy month.

But I have time for more. So if you want to hire me to direct a feature, produce a feature, or star in your upcoming feature, please contact me. I'm ready to go.
Until then, I'll just keep working on the edit of Explode, and all the other projects I have going on, like the Kiss From Calcutta webisode project we start shooting again in October, and more ground breaking ideas from my fertile and creative mind.

Enjoy the trailer, and I'll be writing more soon about Explode and the whole production process, with photos and post production updates.

That's all for now,

Noel

Like a bad penny - I'm back!

Hey you all, how are you? I'm back again to fill this small box with words and ideas. Happy fourth of July to you? What are you doing today? I'm going to work, cause I'm free to work as much as I want. Hurray Amerika!

Thinking about so many things since I last wrote - months ago.

Very excited about Barack Obama being the democratic nominee for President. What a primary fight that was. I'm totally down with that. Really hoping that universal health care is in all our futures. Can't wait to see who will play at the inaugural dinner.

I've been thinking about trying my hand at stand up comedy. been going to see a few shows at The Improv on Melrose. Working on some new material now.

Also, and this is the most exciting, I'm getting ready to make a new movie. I'm writing, directing, producing, starring in, and composing the sound track. I'm gonna do it all and showcase my talents. I am going to take Hollywood by storm and NOW is the time! The film is called Explode! and its an existential crime thriller. I call it "Of Mice And Men meets Waiting For Godot meets Reservoir Dogs". Its gonna rock. I'm shooting it in August and hope to have it finished by the end of the year.

As an actor I have three films and a webisode in the can, completed, that I hope you will all get to see soon.

Okay, that's it, enough for my first day back. Off to work soon. Have a safe and happy fourth and remember democracy starts with you - tag you're it! Do something.

Restaurant dress code - High on Crack.

Hey all you hipsters out there, I got news for you. Wearing your pants low on your hips so your butt crack shows when you sit down is passe. Hitch up your pants when you sit down would you?

I was having a wonderful evening out with friends the other night, when just as our meal ended, a hipster couple comes in and sits down across from us. The male of the couple has his back to me and I can't help but notice his butt crack smiling at me from across the aisle. Eww! I don't want to look at that!

I wondered if there was a polite way to tell him his butt crack was hanging out in a public place, but I couldn't think of one. Like when a guys zipper is down, you say, "Your barn door is open". How about, "Excuse me bro, but your skinny ass is hanging out of your stupid perma-press plaid pants". Or, "Hey, are you a plumber?"

I wanted to take a picture, but instead I drew a picture on a napkin. I think I'm going to try to market it to restaurants worldwide. Maybe it should be posted next to the NO SMOKING signs. What do you think? Let's end this crack epidemic now. Crack Kills!

Day 9

Hello Everyone,

I'd like you to take a minute from your working out and stretching so I can tell you about mine. Today is day nine of the 30 day workout plan. I have been diligently working out everyday and I really feel the difference. I dropped two pounds and I feel great. It is becoming something I look forward to now and it really is habit forming.

If I was to do a commercial for working out, would I have to have the slick sounding voice over person come on and read the disclaimer?

"Warning: working out everyday can lead to better health and stamina, constant feelings of euphoria, restful sleep and great energy. Some exercisers have reported weight loss, mental clarity, loss of appetite, increased sexual desire, ability to stop taking pharmaceuticals, better breath, solid stools, renewed friendships, increased work promotions and more laughter. Other side effects may include more money in the bank, lack of fear and anxiety and longer life expectancy. Please consult a doctor before starting any workout regimen. If your doctor says you can't do it, find another doctor"

Now, back to your workout.

Cause I'm The Tax Man...

I was cast in a very fun video shoot as HR, as in HR Block, the tax preparation company. Seems they charge quite a bit for their services if you want a Refund Anticipation Loan (RAL). This documentary on RAL's by Karney Hatch will explain it all, in under five minutes, so you don't get taken advantage of. I had a lot of fun doing it and I hope you like it too. Check out Karney's other work at Current TV.

30 day workout program - begin!

Day 1: April 14, 2008

Last year I participated in a 12 week workout program and I was very impressed by how much weight I lost and how my body changed in such a short time. 12 weeks is a short time, when compared to how long I spent talking about doing something about my weight.

As I wrote last year, and discussed at great length in previous posts, in twelve weeks I lost 20 pounds and 15 1/2 inches overall and was feeling great. However, when the program ended, when I no longer was obliged to attend regular workouts under the watchful gaze of a coach, I stopped working out regularly.

Sure I worked out, but no longer 3 to 6 times a week like I did during the program. If a week went by and I didn't go to the club, I'd chalk it off to being really busy. If a month went by, I would tell myself it was okay because I stretched a few times at home.

The result was that since the program ended 10 months ago, and I gave my testimonial and took my beautiful "after" pictures, I put back on seven pounds. That is almost a pound a month. You do the math and figure out where I would be in two years, or five years. No, can't have that again. The yo-yo effect is a very real phenomenon that people who struggle with their weight have to deal with. I have dealt with it all my life. I have a small frame, but if I am not careful, I can pack on the pounds really quickly.

Fortunately the size 31 pants I bought still fit, and the seven pounds don't show a lot, but I knew I had to do something.

The key to success in making changes in your life like weight loss or working out are commitment and accountability. It has to be to yourself, first and foremost, but getting others involved can be very helpful.

For example: Last week I worked out two days in a row, and I felt good, so I decided to extend that and see if I couldn't make a big change again in my toning. I decided that I would workout thirty days in a row, just for the hell of it, to see what happens. Would I lose weight? Would I tone my abs again? It was worth a try, as no matter what happened I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. (Or seven pounds to lose and abs to gain).

Then I was talking to a friend of mine, and it hit me, what if I suggest he do the same thing; that he join me in a thirty day workout? That way we could feel a sense of community and responsibility to ourselves and each other. Communities and groups tend to create a strong motivation that gives a person the courage and the strength to do things that they may not succeed at on their own. It doesn't matter that he lives in Chicago and I live in Los Angeles, we could chart our progress and encourage each other.

I know when I was a teenager I felt that at the Weight Watcher meetings I attended. When the leader announced how much weight each member lost to the group, and you got applause for it, it was a strong and positive affirmation. And last year, I felt that in the group program. A feeling of competition, encouragement and connection.

If I said I was going to workout for thirty days, and I told no one, who would call me on it if I missed a day? No one. If a man is alone in the woods and doesn't do his push-ups, does it still add calories? That makes no sense, but I knew if I had to report to someone that I had done my workout I would be more motivated.

So every Monday for the next five week I will report to you, dear reader, my progress of working out everyday for 30 days. Specifically, no matter what else I do; run, swim, weight training, etc, I have to do 200 ab crunches and 50 push-ups a day for the next 30 days. As the days go on, if I decide to increase the numbers I can, that is just a minimum.

You are my motivation. Its a win-win situation.

So, if this makes you think that maybe you too would like to shed a few pounds before summer, and help your self get back in shape, then why don't you call a friend, make a commitment, and just get started. What have you got to lose?

Oh, by the way, since I completed the program last year I have retained most of the gains I made in muscle mass and at almost 49 years old, I can honestly say I have never been in better shape in my life. I remember I once tried out for the football team in high school and at the first workout I couldn't do one push-up. Some girls laughed at me. Now I can do a set of twenty no problem.

Here in Los Angeles, trying to make it as an actor means I have to do everything I can to make myself standout over thousands of other actors all going for the same job. Confidence is important, and so is backing it up with a certain look. I want to be the strong 50 year old who could have been a strong twenty year old. No one has to know I was ever fat, or weak, or carried an extra 70 pounds on me. No, I can be the tough old guy, which is a role I prefer over aging paunchy fat guy.

And the camera adds weight anyway, so being a little overweight really shows on camera, as opposed to being really toned and buff.

Vain? Maybe a little, but I have a career at stake here. I am a performer, and as such, I have to make myself look good. No, better than good. Great.

What are you going to do today?

Blind Ed

Two posts in one day?

Well, it's been a few weeks since I did my shoot on the "adult feature" Pirates II. It was such a fun day. I was treated very well, I worked with really interesting people, and I thought I did a great job.

My role, a comedic character who helps the hero along on his journey, was really fun to shoot. Wearing a latex eye patch over one eye and a "blind" contact lens in the other was interesting, but not comfortable at all. Here is what I looked like:




The makeup department did an awesome job.

It was a really professional shoot. The crew was top notch. The wardrobe, sets, and costumes matched any studio production I've ever been on. Joone, the director, really knew what he wanted and how to get it. I just had a blast. I can't wait to see it. And I hope I get invited to the premiere. That will be one fun party.

Word on the set was that Pirates II may get an R rated release, which would mean a lot of people might see this movie, and me. I hope so. I have three films still in the can, all set to be released this year. It could be a big year!

Patriotism

What is Patriotism? What is love of country? Is it simply and easily wearing an American Flag lapel pin?

Some weeks ago there was an uproar in the press, started by the right, against Barack Obama for not wearing a flag pin on his lapel.

Ridiculous, I know, but Americans like to get caught up in these childish pursuits.

For my self, I don't care whether or not a person wears a flag pin or not, though to be honest, the sight of a flag pin on someone's lapel makes me less trusting of that person, not more so.

But I would like to ask you this; where was that lapel pin made? I would wager it was made in China. And so by wearing an American flag lapel pin made in another country, you are supporting the outsourcing of jobs FROM America, the transfer of wealth OUT of America, the exploitation of workers across the world, and letting corporations get away with making massive profits and not pay taxes here in the states.

Thats what I think of your flag lapel pin.

How could you not like that speech?

Hi Everyone,

It's been hard to write the last few weeks, so sorry for not keeping up to date with my musings. Hope you are well. I've been feeling pretty dark lately, but its all good now. Even two days in Vegas couldn't get me jazzed up enough to write. What a place, Vegas. Pretty funny. Maybe that will be a future post. The drive through the desert was nice.

I lost my job the other night. Funny story, I'll share it some day. It was getting in the way of my acting, so, I had to leave. Reminds me of what Kris' grandfather used to always say to me, "When your work gets in the way of your fun, you have to leave that job". He didn't really mean it, but he said it a lot. Anyway, I guess I took it to heart.

Anyway, did you see Barack Obama's speech today? You really have to invest the 37 minutes and check it out. He does more in 37 minutes to help heal the racial divide in America than I've seen anyone do in 37 years. And he did it by just telling it like it is. By saying what is on the minds of so many people. By expressing out loud the feelings and frustrations and desire for change so many people have; black, white, brown, Hindu, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Catholic, in short, most Americans today.

His story is remarkable, and very American. And if he is elected president I know things will turn around. People will feel empowered, and our elected officials will start to listen. Things will change.

And he even acknowledged those who don't want change, those who like things like they are. Fortunately there are only a few Americans like that, but they are a mighty few. I think they will come around though, I think they will see what is good for America will be good for them too.

He delivered a speech that was magnificent, and presidential. Boy, its been a long time since we've heard words like that. And so, in spite of what I'm going through these days, dealing with money problems, career problems, agent problems, and creative blocks, I am full of hope tonight at the thought of Barack Obama as the next president of The United States.

Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWe7wTVbLUU

Here's the video:

Phantom Love in Chicago 2/29-3/06

Greetings Reader,

How are you? It's getting pretty late, are you okay to drive home from here? If not, leave your keys with the bartender and hitch-hike home.

Say, are you from Chicago? I thought so. I could tell by the way you say "gimee a beef samich". Which is strange because I don't have beef sandwiches.

What am I selling? Dreams, my friend, pure dreams. Want one? I thought so. Who doesn't. Here, put this in your pocket and don't look at it until you get home.

You ever been to Facets on Fullerton? No, not the scrap iron place, the movie theatre. They show art films and stuff like that. Yeah, right, next to the sub shop. That's the one. Well if you go there this week you can see me in a movie. No I'm not shitting you. Yeah, me, in a movie, up on the big screen. No, I'm not in the new Harry Potter movie, not yet at least. But I hope I'll be in the last one.

No, I'm in a film called Phantom Love and its playing this week only. So go see it. No, no car chases. No, no explosions. Yeah, there is sex. There are snakes. And there is magic. There are boats and clouds and gambling too. And a river. Oh, and it's in beautiful black and white. Yeah, shot on film. No, film, you know, sprockets and emulsion and chemicals and shit. Yeah they sell popcorn. No, really, I'm not kidding you. I'm in the film. I play a preacher. On TV. A TV preacher. Yeah, all fire and brimstone this and burn in hell that. Check it out.

No, I don't get paid more if you see it, I just want you to go see a cool film and be like, "hey, I know that dude in the movie".

Here are the details. See it if you want. Drive home safely.

Phantom Love by Nina Menkes
in Chicago at Facets Cinematheque
1517 West Fullerton Ave
Chicago, IL 60614
773.281.4114
www.facets.org/cinematheque

Fri., Feb. 29 at 7 & 9 pm

Sat.-Sun., Mar. 1-2 at 3, 5, 7 & 9 pm

Mon.-Thurs., Mar. 3-6 at 7 & 9 pm


Chicago Reader Review:
http://onfilm.chicagoreader.com/movies/critic.html

Oscar Sunday

I didn't want the day off today, but I have it, so I am going to make the best of it. Of course the best part will be spending the day with Kris, in our loft, working and then watching the Oscars on TV.

No Oscar parties for us this year. No galas or after parties or designer gowns and tuxedos. Maybe next year.

I haven't made any predictions for who will win tonight, but after seeing There Will Be Blood last night, I feel fairly certain that Daniel Day Lewis will walk away with the statue for Best Actor in a Lead Role. The film is remarkable, and DDL's performance was so nuanced and believable. (Was the opening an homage to My Left Foot?) What a despicable character.

I say nuanced and believable because as Bill The Butcher in Gangs of New York, he was fun, but I thought he was over the top and chewing everything in site.

And as Kris pointed out, I like how PT Anderson chose to look at the early titans of oil and show how evil they were, right from the start. First we'll steal from Americans, then we'll steal from the rest of the world. Pure evil. Delicious for filmmakers and artists, not so nice for the real people who have lost their lives and fortunes over oil.

For a guy who runs a movie review website, I admit I haven't seen most of the nominated films this year. In the best picture category I have only seen three of the five, and I am going to give the award to There Will Be Blood.

I hope by next year to build up Bikini Movie Review to a more recognized brand name and have a reporter on the red carpet. In a bikini of course. Cold and rainy as it may be.

And let me ask you, if the powers that be at A.M.P.A.S know how cold and rainy it is or can be in LA in February, why move the awards to this time from March? Huh? Why? Well don't complain about the weather then, okay? Just the thought of all those stars getting rained on thrills me.

Okay, gonna post this now before the ceremony starts. Off to more busy work in the life of an artist/actor/writer/producer/filmmaker/waiter.

I never thought I'd say that again. I'm a waiter. I'm a waitergonebad®. I thought I had hung up my apron for good, but it goes to show you, you never really know what life has in store for you sometimes.

Hey the sun just came out for a minute, maybe I'll go down stairs for a quick swim. Yes, I will.

I do have a call back tomorrow for a car commercial, so that is good.

Enjoy the fashions, the laughs and the celebration of tonights Oscars! Long live the cinema!

A Rant On Politics. Reader beware.

A few days ago a friend in Chicago sent me a link to the Obama YES WE CAN video.

I in turn sent him a link to the same group of people singing the words of John McCain.

So scary.

Anyway, there were about thirty-nine people on the email list, and one of the people, someone I don't know, followed up by sending the entire list the stupid nonsense on the web that Obama is a muslim, that he was sworn in on a Koran, that he eats white babies for breakfast, blah, blah, blah, the same old crap. So I let that person have it for not thinking on his own and for being a pawn of the Rovians.

That was followed by another comment from another person I don't know attacking Obama but in a more intelligent way.

My post tonight is my reply to that letter. Do me a favor people, do what you think is right, but don't be afraid to open your ears and listen to all sides. Don't be afraid to talk to your friends and neighbors about the issues that deeply affect us all. And don't be afraid to admit when something you believe turns out to be false, or something you thought was false turns out to be true.


Dear XXXXXXXXX,

Thank you for your reply.

"I'll agree with everyone, that Mr. S------'s information is not all that credible and is pretty much a scare tactic."

Not all that credible?

"And I really don't like to talk politics..."

I wish Americans were not so reticent about talking about politics. Why is American Idol easier to talk about than who will be the next American President?

In any event, if we are ever going to grow as a nation, we need to be able to talk to each other about the difficult issues. Not fight, not insult, and not tell lies, but just talk. In the end, we all go into that little private booth and do what we feel is best. So thank you for entering this discussion. And for those who don't want to participate, no problem, that's what the DELETE button is for.

The voting record of all Senators are public record. Here is a link to a Washington Post data base of all the votes by US Senators in the 110th Congress.

http://projects.washingtonpost.com/congress/110/senate/members/

You are right, people should know the voting record of the candidates. That is a sure way to know the past. But sometimes people change their minds, and reverse their votes later. Clinton has. McCain has. That is fair, and shows the ability of a person to grow and change.

But while we should hold up voting records to scrutiny, members of Congress vote how for their constituents back home. When running for President, the rules are different. And those who run for President do miss many votes out on the campaign trail.

Obama was not in the senate when the vote to go to war was taken, but Clinton was, and she voted for it. And she continued to vote YES every time Bush asked for more money or power to fund his illegal war or continue his illegal occupation. That is the number one reason I will not vote for Clinton. She will not acknowledge the war is a travesty, and will not even say she will get our troops out of Iraq before 2013. Unacceptable.

McCain wants to keep us in Iraq for 100 years. How do you feel about that?

But Barack is not just a great, inspiring, speaker, he is against the war, he is for health care for all (his plan and Clinton's are virtually the same - which is too bad, neither go far enough towards single payer health care like every other developed nation on the planet), and his record in the Illinois Senate shows he votes for justice. Because of Barack, the Chicago Police now video tape interrogations. I want a President who will fight for all Americans.

And since you brought up Reagan, perhaps you are a Republican, so let me ask you are, are Republicans for tax increases? Because Reagan increased taxes 11 times. Are Republicans for granting amnesty to illegal aliens? Oh, because Reagan did that. Are Republicans for spending billions of dollars on a cockamamy defense project called Star Wars? Oh, yeah, they are. You got that one.

Now let's look at some other great Reagan accomplishments. Let's see, he broke the air traffic controllers union, which caused the beginning of the loss of good jobs in America and the decline of union membership in America. In 1980 25% of Americans were part of a union, today, it is 7%. Think about that next time you try to make a payment on your ballooning mortgage.

But to be fair, while Reagan started us down the slippery slope of deregulation and privatization, it was a Democrat by the name of Clinton who signed NAFTA into law, the worst thing he ever did, and I can't excuse that horrendous decision. And I'll never vote for a Clinton again. Ever.

But this all started because one person tried to spread a fun video, and another tried to spread nasty lies.

So now I'll stop, step down off my box, and wish you all a good night.

Noel Olken
Los Angeles, Ca

I won an award this week!

I have been awarded the Mad Skillz award by Kris Cahill over at Art and Clairvoyance.

Thanks, Kris.

She gave me the award for making her laugh everyday with my silly characters, my silly movements, my silly dancing, my silly jokes and puns, and my silly noises.

Many people probably think I had to sleep with Kris to get this award, but I didn't have to. I would have done it anyway. In fact that is where I ought to be right now.

I'm up late again tonight trying to figure things out. I had a glimpse tonight of things getting better real soon. I'm gonna work on creating some magic in my life so that happens. Kris should get an award for making magic happen. She is good at that. She practices what she preaches. She teaches and inspires others to do the same. She deserves another award, too. The You Inspire me Award. I'm gonna Create one and send it to her.

As soon as I figure things out. Yeah. Okay. It's okay. It's all okay.

I read about Tom Wilkinson in the Times today. In his late forties, with a respected career in English theatre and television, he decided he wanted to make it in movies. So he went about and did it. And now he is nominated for his second Oscar. That is an inspiring story. I'm gonna give him an award, too.

I also, in my late forties, changed my career, picked up my life and wife moved us across the country. For what? To make a new career for myself in the talkies.

In fits and starts it is going. I'm just so damn impatient. And that's why I got to figure things out, cause it isn't happening for me as fast as I would like. It is happening though, and I can't lose sight of that. It is happening. Four speaking roles in four feature films in two years, (one premiered at Sundance) a guest spot on a TV show and recently a national commercial.

When you put it like that, it sounds pretty good?

Tomorrow will be a day of magic. Let's go to bed now. There is a cute little red-haired girl waiting for me who needs a good laugh. Tomorrow.

Night.

Sometimes I stay up at night thinking of ways to make Kris laugh. That's fun.

Night.

Tomorrow's lottery jackpot is 220 million. Well of course I bought a lottery ticket, didn't you?

Night.

Happy Valentines Day everybody!

Whoever you are feeling special about, whoever you want to feel special about, whoever makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside - I hope you get to spend time with your valentine today. I know I will.

Here's to you, Valentine! Love, Noel

Here is a great heart. Painting by Kris Cahill.

http://www.kriscahill.com

411 on the 911

I worked in Santa Monica today at the art gallery installing a new show. Driving home at about 7PM on the eastbound 10, I had to dodge a filing cabinet that was in the middle lanes. Pretty scary to have such a huge piece of debris on a busy highway. Probably fell off the back of one of those junk trucks. You know the trucks; an old jalopy of a pick-up with old doors on the sides so they can hold more junk, crammed full of all kinds of junk metal and tied down with a kite string? I love those guys, but I will never drive behind them because I always assume their load is going to fall off any second.

I assumed the debris had already been reported to the California Highway Patrol, but just to make sure, I called 911 anyway. In California, 911 is answered by the CHP and then calls are routed from there to the appropriate authority.

But here is the deal, and I think this is pretty scary. The call to 911 was answered by a machine that told me if this is a real emergency to press or say one, and then repeated the same message in Spanish. I did nothing, so the message repeated itself. Finally I said "one".

There was a series of clicks and noises and then another recording told me that all operators were busy and I should stay on the line. "Please stay on the line and an operator will be with you shortly". The same message was then repeated in Spanish. Following that was a series of clicks and then the sound of a phone ringing. After eight rings, the same recording came back on telling me that all operators are busy and to stay on the line. This happened at least four times, and my call wasn't answered by a human being until four minutes and thirty five seconds after I placed the call.

It was rather amusing to think what would have happened if this had been a real emergency. Is there, I wondered, another secret number for getting through in case of a REAL emergency?

Is the system privatized? Are the operators in Mumbai or Delhi? That could be a problem, no?

Here is a new message I thought of while waiting on hold.

If you have been shot, press one.
If you are holding your internal organs in your hand, press two.
If you are having a heart attack, press three.
If your house is on fire, please press four.
If you are being molested, please press five.
If you are being chased by a terrorist, please press six.
If you would like to be connected directly to a funeral home, press seven.
To hear music on hold, press eight.
To repeat these options, press nine.
For all other emergencies, please stay on the line and an operator will assist you in the order your call was received.

When an operator finally did assist me, he told me that they already had that incident on record and an officer was on the way. Whew, I feel better knowing that.

Ah, Los Angles, looking and feeling more like the movies Blade Runner or Brazil everyday.

Anyway, I made it home, and hopefully if I really do need to make a 911 call someday, and I hope I don't, it will go a little better than that.

Hey, did you hear the good news? The writers strike is finally over. Call 911!

Ahoy, mateys! Is that ship made of wood?

So I'm working this really boring cocktail party last night. It's about 35 women and three men at a fancy private school in Los Angeles. It's a meet and greet for some visiting educators and some of the school's department heads. We're in the home of the school director which is adjacent to the school and the only good thing about this party is it will be over very quickly.

So as I maneuver my way through them with hors d'oeuvres I hear snippets of conversations. "I love teaching English". "The hotel is nice". "Wasn't the weather beautiful today"? And I just want to yell out out to these nice people, "Hey, I just got cast as Blind Ed the pirate in the sequel to the award winning porn film, Pirates!" But of course I didn't.

Yes, friends, I got the part. I was called on Saturday morning by the casting director to tell me they loved me, they talked about me all day Friday, and the producer will be calling me soon to work out the details. It shoots in March.

So I did a little research on the film, went to the Pirates website, and even found a trailer for Pirates II on line. It really is a fun trailer. Here is a link to it. (The trailer is not pornographic but there are other images on the page some might find dis-tasteful. So please, only go if you are over 18 and can handle that sort of stuff)

The trailer is an animated sequence of a pirate ship on the high seas during a raging storm under a full moon. We get closer and closer and then we move through the ship to see a skeleton pirate at the wheel. Very nice.

Pirates One has won over 40 awards in the adult film industry and is one of the highest selling titles of all time.

At least if I'm gonna do porn, I'm doing high-class porn.

Look at me, in Los Angeles less than two years and I've already been in a feature film at Sundance, modeled for Playboy and now a porn film. My career is really looking up!

All those classes and workshops are starting to pay off.

Too bad its not a SAG film. I could get my card with this one. Oh, well.

More details and fun stories from the set to follow. I'm sure it is going to be a blast.

My own private Boogie Nights.

Before I get into the audition I just did at a San Fernando Valley porn studio, let me tell you about the party I worked at last night, The Black Eyed Pea's Peapod Foundation Gala. It was a star studded event at the Apollo Theatre in Hollywood. I was working the VIP buffet, which was only for about 300 of the 900 invited guests. I saw Dennis Haysbert, one of my favorite characters on the series, 24. And the funniest moment was when Dennis bent over to say hello to Dr. Ruth, who came up to his belly button, or just about. He really had to bend over. Laurence Fishburne was there. And of course the Black Eyed Peas put on a show. And many friends and guests appeared on stage with them. When I got a chance to peek at the stage, I saw the BEP joined by Slash, Snoop Dog, and MC Hammer. It was a really hard party because of all the people in such a small space. When I was sent home at 1AM, (they cut the early people to save on OT) the band was still playing. I was happy to go, I didn't want to be there till 4AM. I had an audition today!

So the audition was for a sequel to a very popular porn film called Pirates. The box cover is a Pirates of the Caribbean knock-off. What separates this porn film from most are the high production values and a story. Now I haven't seen the film, but from what I read, it is still a very popular title and continues to sell well. In fact, the US DVD distributor is the same company the distributed Cup Of My Blood, the feature I produced. I'm sure MTI had more success with Pirates than with Cup.

Anyway, I saw the audition notice on Craig's List, and the reason I responded was because it said there was no nudity and no sex in these scenes, it paid, and the character was a blind pirate. I love playing pirates! So I submit a head shot and I get an email back that they would like to see me, and I am given an audition time and sent the sides. Sides are the pages from the script for that character that you have to read at the audition.

The scene I have to read is so funny I can't believe it. It is really funny and well written. Basically, they're auctioning off women, and the blind pirate asks the auctioneer to describe one particular beauty. Its really funny, and I was going to play it over the top.

So I drive out to Van Nuys, in the valley, home of the porn industry, and go to a nondescript cinder block building on a nondescript street off the 405.

There are a half dozen other guys standing out front going over sides. I park and check in with the CD (casting director), and ask to use the bathroom. The first thing I see in the lobby are posters for Pirate on the walls, and other titles they have produced.

To get to the bathroom I walk past the warehouse where thousands of DVD's are waiting to be shipped. The bathroom is covered with centerfolds and posters and stacks of porn in the stall.

I slip into my pirate costume. Head scarf, eye patch, and earring. I have a cane, and I'm wearing a black sleeveless tee, black jeans, and my pointy renaissance faire shoes.

The fun thing about going into an audition in costume and character like that is it can really mess with the minds of the other guys auditioning.

The CD is very amused. After a few minutes he calls three of us up stairs to where the readings are going on. Now I don't want to jinx myself, but judging from what I heard, I was not in the company of the best actors in Hollywood, or even Van Nuys.

Anyway, the guy before me is also reading for the blind pirate character. The door was open so I could hear him. He was "reading", and he spoke the text like some one reading an IRS tax form. It was so flat and boring I couldn't help but be buoyed by hearing him.

I'm next. I have the eye patch over my dark sunglasses, and I crash into the wall like I can't see on my way into the room.

Well, I tore into the scene and chewed on it like nobodies business. I gave it my all; pirate voice, pirate manner, and pirate fire.

Whatever happens, it was a good story. It will be even better if they hire me! Almost as good a story as my audition at the Scientology Celebrity Center soon after I moved to LA. They didn't hire me.

You can be sure if I am cast as the blind pirate, you will read about it here. Have a great weekend!

Super (FAT) Tuesday

Since I couldn't be in New Orleans partying my ass off on Mardi Gras, I did the next best thing. I voted in a monumental democratic primary.

Yesterday Kris and I went to vote first thing in the morning. Our polling place is a homeless shelter in the quickly gentrifying skid row area of downtown Los Angeles. We live about five minutes, by car from there. The building is very new and very nice. We have voted there several times since we moved here.

Outside the mission, scores of homeless people and all their belongings were scattered on the street around the mission. It was like they were kicked out for the day to allow the building to be a polling place. Many of the homeless we saw were women and African-Americans. I doubt many of them were voting. Are they aware of the changes taking place around them.

There is a new construction going up right next to the mission, looks like a condo building.

This area is changing quickly.

America is changing quickly, too. Yesterday my choice for democratic nominee for President was a woman and an African-American male. Wow. That is huge. One of them will be the next President of the United States. That is so cool.

I voted for Barack Obama. I like him, and I like his message of change. I like how he is firing up younger Americans and getting them to take an interest in our country. I like that when he speaks, he doesn't look like he is just reading a speech. I would like to see the race barrier in the oval office ended.

If Hillary is nominated, I would vote for her. I would also like to see the gender barrier in the oval office ended. But as much as I would love to see a female president, I don't think Hillary is the right woman. I think she brings too much baggage with her. And I can't ever forget she voted for the war in Iraq. And now she says she didn't think Bush would do what he did? She trusted him? What kind of judgment is that? And then she continued to vote to fund the war. And besides, in a country of 300 million people, is the gene pool so limited that only Bushes or Clintons are fit to run for president? Give me a break. I thought we got rid of monarchies a few centuries ago?

It hit me yesterday - the Bushies will get away with MURDER.

It seems like the Bushies didn't count on such a backlash to the last seven years of their un-democratic rule, but they did, in effect, create the backlash against them. They probably thought they could steal two presidential elections, rape and pillage Iraq, plunder the US treasury and steal all they wanted, destroy everything they don't like, continue to sow fear and hatred, line the supreme court with their people, enrich their pockets, trash the constitution, spy on American citizens, destroy the middle class and then come back and do it again.

Well, I'm glad to say that is not going to happen.

Their crimes, which will go unpunished (remember Scooter Libby), have been so egregious, that the backlash they have created will also be remarkable! A democrat for President! A woman or a black man!

The problem is, unfortunately, that they are going to have the last laugh. Because on Jan 20, 2009, when the new President is sworn in, they will slither away, and all the damage they have created will have to be cleaned up by someone else. They will just walk away and not be held accountable or responsible for the mess they made. Mark my words, they will get away with it, and then they will blame it all on the Democrats. Somehow, they will make all their believers believe it was not their fault and the Dem's caused it all. They are sneaky that way.

If that is how it is going to be, then hopefully, whoever the next president is, they will be just as crafty and smart and cunning and make such bold changes so America moves as quickly as possible toward a more forward thinking, prosperous and equitable new era.

We are a diverse country. There is no way Americans can ever all agree on one thing. But a majority of Americans agree that change is needed; that the occupation of Iraq must end, that jobs need to be created, that tax cuts for the rich are a sham, that a 3000 mile fence along the southern border is a joke. I'm glad to predict that change is a coming. Democrats make a lot of mistakes, too. Look at the ridiculous Michigan and Florida primaries? Look at the mess they are creating with delegates and super-delegates? They are often only thinking of their own gain as well. But at least they are not as greedy as the people who have run the country for the last seven years. Maybe that is the only difference. Still, it is a huge one. Its gonna be a bumpy ride.

A List Party

It's about time I got to work a fun celebrity party. And work I did! The homes in the Hollywood Hills are quite lovely, until you have to carry lots of dishes up and down three flights of steps hundreds of times a night!

Saturday I worked a birthday party for a talent agent at a major agency. There were a lot of A-list talent there. We were told before the party to give great service, remain invisible, and don't give out any head shots. "What about scripts" I asked?

Some of the guests I served, who ate appetizers off my tray, included Laura Linney, (so sweet) Jennifer Aniston (very pretty, nice shoes) Orlando Bloom, Natalie Portman, Christina Ricci, Rachel McAdams and Jason Bateman.

A pretty nice gathering, a fun party, lots of cigarettes, and everyone exclaimed how bad they were being for eating anything other than carrot sticks. When the cake came out, you could just see them making plans for extra personal training sessions on Monday with every bite.

There was a psychic at the party, and all I could think of was that it should have been Kris. I can't wait till Kris is psychic to the stars, and reading all these people! How fun. I kept emailing Kris all night with updates...Jen's shoes are marvelous...Natalie is getting a reading...the cake is delicious.

Today I called the party planner who produced the party and sent her some info on Kris. I want Kris to be "the" clairvoyant to the stars! I want her to be at these parties. I've said it before, and its no joke, I want to be a kept man, and live in the manner to which I want to be accustomed. I know Kris wants that too, so its all good.

By the end of the night, after ten hours of going up and down those stairs, I was exhausted. I didn't get home till after 3am, and didn't get enough sleep. I was so excited - it was Super Bowl Sunday!

That is another story for another day.

Who is you favorite celebrity?