Wednesday, June 13, 2012

If anyone stumbles across this blog in the next few weeks, I'd like to tell you about a show I'm doing at The Hollywood Fringe Festival 2012. The show is called No Boundarys and is being performed at Theatre Asylum in Hollywood.
postcard for No Boundarys © 2012 Waitergonebad Productions

No Boundarys is about life, death, and Camping!  "After a long day of canoeing and portaging, there's nothing better than sitting by a fire, under the stars, drinking scotch and telling stories." An autobiographical tale, a stream of consciousness story, with a big surprise at the end.

I have created a special discount code for friends. Use the code "CANOE" at the box office or if you order tickets on line, and pay only $10 instead of the regular ticket price of $12. Or just pay what you want at the door. It's all good.

The show is at Theatre Asylum, 6320 Santa Monica Blvd, a half block west of Vine. Shows start promptly as there are many shows at the venue everyday. There is a wonderful Fringe Station opened next door to the Theatre Asylum that has a lovely bar and a place to hang before or after the show.

I hope you can make it, and I look forward to seeing you.
Have a great Summer!

As ever,


Noel Olken
writer/performer of No Boundarys
Hollywood Fringe Festival 2012
@Theatre Asylum 6320 Santa Monica Blvd, Hollywood, 90038

Thurs June 14 @ 7:00pm
Sat June 16 @ 5:30
Sun June 17 @ 8:30
Thurs June 21 @ 8:30
Sat June 23 @ 1:00pm

for more info:

Monday, August 22, 2011

No Boundarys A Noel Olken Show 9/11/11

Hi Everyone, I am starting another post with an apology for not posting since March. Seems like there is always so much going on and stopping to write about it doesn't happen.

But there is something going on now I do want to tell you about. I am doing my first stage show in a long time. It is called No Boundarys A Noel Olken Show 9/11/11. It is going to happen on 9/11/11, as the title suggests. I know you must be thinking it has something to do with 9/11. Well, yes and no.

I created a Kickstarter project to raise money to produce the play. This is what the project looks like on Kickstarter. You can get to the Kickstarter project page and watch the pledge video here:

Here is what it says...

"Actually it's about life, death, and camping. Mostly life, some death, and a lot of camping.

It has a lot of strange twists and turns and will surprise you with an unexpected ending.

While preparing for a canoe trip to the Boundary Waters of northern Minnesota, Noel Olken discovers some strange things in his pack. What are these things and why does he still carry them? Where did they come from? And will he ever get over the strange events of his last trip up north?

Performed by, and written by Noel Olken, this autobiographical tale will intrigue, amuse and maybe even shock you. Because truth IS stranger than fiction. And when it comes to baggage, we all have some.

This performance will take place on one night only, September 11, 2011 at the Victory Theatre in Burbank, CA. It will be performed on The Little Victory stage.

3324 West Victory Blvd, Burbank, CA 91505
box office: 818.841.5422

Consider your pledge of $10 or more as an advance ticket purchase. If I don't reach my goal I will still be doing the show on 9/11/11. But if I reach my goal it will be a lot more fun for all of us.

This is my first one person show since Coffee Time, performed at Lower Links in Chicago, IL in 1993.

Thank you for your support. As you can see, I am only giving myself 16 days to raise my goal. Please consider pledging now and spreading the word to your friends on Face Book at the No Boundarys event page. While you are there you can friend me."

I hope you will consider making a pledge, or buying a ticket and coming to see the show. if you can't see the show maybe you will pledge anyway and I'll give the ticket to an unemployed actor or truck driver or banker.

In any event, this is what I am doing with my life right now and I am very excited about it and really hope you get to see it. Thank you. I hope you are well and thriving. Living your dreams and making each day wonderful.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Get Off The Phone!

I was recently pulled over on the freeway in Los Angeles for talking on a phone while driving. I was holding a "phone" in my hand, that's true, but I wasn't talking.

Like most states these days, talking while driving is a ticket-able offense, and in California the fine can be anywhere from 150 - 200 dollars. That's a lot of money. But you know the awful feeling you get when you are about to be pulled over by the cops? Well, I wasn't feeling it. In fact, I was laughing so hard, and the passenger in the van with me was laughing so hard, it was like a funny movie.

I was coming back from a catering gig in Beverly Hills, a brunch for some Hollywood royalty, and I had been up since 5 AM. It was a slightly over the top brunch that was rather quick and mostly painless. Our "kitchen" was on the loading dock of a BH office building. As the dumpsters were right next to us on the dock, when I was throwing some trash away I saw a box with some office supplies. As I am a recovering scrounger, I couldn't help but check out the contents; there were some old computer cables, a paper tray, some old files, and lookie here, an old telephone handset. I grabbed a cable and the handset and sticking one end of the cable into my apron pocket, I held the phone and pretended to be talking on my "new cell phone". Very funny right? Ha ha.

So as I'm driving the van back to the shop I'm goofing around with the handset. I admit I like having an audience (Kris says that why I married her) so I like that the chef, Jen, was cracking up every time I pulled up at a red light and pretended to talk on my "phone" for other drivers to see me.

So we're on the 10 East heading towards downtown and I see I'm about to pass a co-workers car, so I slowed down and pulled beside Micah and Rachel and pretended to talk on my "phone". All of a sudden a CHP car pulls next to Micah's car and looks at me on the "phone".

I put down the phone pretty quick, but the squad car maneuvers behind me, and I see Rachel in the other car look freaked out. The lights come on and I hear the cop tell me to pull over at the next exit.

We were on the 10 E heading into the 110 North interchange where there is no easy exit for a few miles. So the officer is following me in this slow traffic on the interchange and Jen is cracking up and we are laughing and I am not bothered at all by this hilarious situation.

He finally directs me to exit at 9th Street and pull over. He gets out of his car and walks over to the passenger side of the van. Jen rolls down her window and he says " Do you know why I pulled you over? You were talking on a cell phone."

I reached over to the center console and picked up the handset and said, "You mean this?"

I so wish I had a picture of his face when he saw the cordless handset. It was classic. It was a combination of shock, surprise, and embarrassment. I could see he was quickly trying to assess how much the others CHIPS would make fun of him if he wrote me a ticket.

I started telling him that we are coming back from a catering gig and I found this phone and I was goofing around with a co-worker and I wasn't really talking on the phone.

Then he asks, "Do you have a cell phone in the car"? Yes, but its in my pocket.

Let me see your license. He looks at it and writes something on a piece of paper and says, "You're lucky, I'm gonna let you off with a warning". Then he asks if I know how to get back on the freeway from here. He was very nice.

Now I agree it was nice he let me go without a ticket, but I wonder what he could have written a ticket for? Illegal use of a hand prop? Aggravated mimery? Clowning with a permit?

I have been living in LA for five years and that was the first time I have been pulled over by the cops. I hope it will always be so pleasant.

Safe driving everyone!

(staged photo re-enactment by Rachel Rath)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Only 5 more months to Human Trafficking day!

I last wrote on 1/11. Today is 8/11. Human Trafficking awareness day is 1/11. Wow.

Well, human trafficking has become a part of my life again. I'm raising money on Kickstarter now to release my film, Meditations On Trafficking, on DVD. Its going okay, but we have a long way to go. Here is a link it:

It has been a number of years since I did all my research into trafficking, and I'm glad to say, now that I am back to it again, that it is easier to find more. I guess that could also be seen as a negative. Is there more trafficking than there was nine years ago? Seems like it. Or did they just not see it all

With the world economy the way it is, it sure seems like there would be more crime overall, and trafficking is a crime, first, and a despicable act second.

So, if they know where all this trafficking is going on, and if they know where it takes place, and if they know who is doing it....why can't they simply stop it?

I truly believe if we wanted, as a nation, as a superpower, as a planet, to eliminate trafficking, we could do it. But who has the patience to focus on one thing at a time and actually make a difference in the world. That's what its gonna take.

Well, stopping it is simply not in the best interest of the masters of the universe. They like a little seemliness around the edges. They like a little nookie too, once in a while, and they like it when someone else gets their hands dirty.

Human trafficking takes place to feed the sexual appetite of men worldwide. Not poor men, or colored men, or skinny men or fat men, not rich men or poor man, just men.

And so it is, men want hookers, and there just isn't enough to go around. So they have to procure it. Like the vampires on True Blood. They take it. Unlike Vampires, traffickers have absolutely no redeeming qualities what-so-ever.

I hate traffickers. I hope they all die.

Monday, January 11, 2010

What a day!

01/11/10 oh one one one one oh

woke up in a funk. A bit tense. Uneasy. A lot going on. I'm sure sex crossed my mind. but Kris was still sleeping.

as I made coffee, I was obsessed with the idea of divisiveness in our country. Like it's still the Civil War. Got it out of my system with a post on FB. For now.

It got better. All in all, it was a very productive day.

Coffee and tea with Kris. That's where we sit on the couch, our feet up, she with her tea, I with my coffee. We talk, we laugh, we joke, we play, we fight, we make up, we pinch each other.

went to the mancave - my windowless garage office:

car research, more.
edit autotrader car ad

Breakfast with Kris. Mmmm, Kris!

after breakfast:

on-line banking - ugh.

vacuum car and clean out all the crevices

craig's list ads for video/film jobs

research dvd ripping software
download a shareware trail version and check it out:
rip a scene from 7 Greatest Bathrooms to test product, pretty good
buy it, start prep for new acting reel

peruse actors access for acting jobs

LA Casting to check on tomorrows time for a look-see

listen to air america - hartmann and rhodes

install a light on the garage in the driveway

go to carmax and see how much they will buy my car for -
- talk about "stealing the trade".
- They must have really not wanted it.

stop at the hardware store to by a daylight sensor for the new light over the garage

stop at a bank - deposit a check.

return home.
get mail

check email

rake leaves in front garden, clean up new seating area, prep flower beds
take garbage and recycling bins to the curb

say hello to neighbor

say hello to Lucky next door

listen to Tom Horne's "word salad"

buy some new music on itunes, Kings Of Leon, Arcade Fire, The Dodos

Got obsessed with the idea that I had to forgive everyone in my life who I ever had any anger towards. So I did. I just forgave them all. And myself. Let it go.

checked email

Watch the 450th Simpson's episode

Watch the 20th Anniversary special

go back to the mancave and write some more

Kris just got home, gotta go

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

The horse is dead, you can stop beating it.

Americans are so body conscious...or should I say hung-up. That's it. Hey, America; why are you so HUNG UP!

Rather than focus on the bigger problem of Whole Body Scanning (x-raying) all domestic air travelers, some American's are getting hung up on the idea that they will be seen naked.

That is scary. We should be scared. First, it's going to be the TSA. And we all have experienced the pleasure of the TSA. If ever there was a profession that was tailor fit for dementors, it would be with the TSA. They can suck the life out of you pretty easily.

And the first thing I thought was what does this picture look like? What are they seeing? If it's going to be anything like seeing a fat woman at the mall in skin tights pants, I hope they get paid well for that. It may lead to a new disease. Fatosis - Fatty and psychosis. From seeing too many fatties.

Yeah, that's right people, you should be scared. Some eighteen dollar an hour TSA worker will be looking at all your junk and deciding if you need a pat down or not. This is the same worker who can't join a union. Thank you Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) Sen Jim believes if TSA unionizes it will be easier for terrorists to get past the TSA. Huh? What have you been smoking, Jim? Feeling paranoid? Are there spiders on the wall? Dude, you're tripping.

If I worked for the TSA, yeah now that's a thought, but if I did, I might like that there is now a new way to fuck with people. Or maybe, during a pat down, you might meet someone?

So, no one knows which way this thing is gonna go. Will all passengers have to go through it? Only certain passengers as a secondary screener? Does that mean profiling? And really, don't we do that already. Do we really need to pull Grandma and Grandpa out of line? Is Joan Rivers really a threat? And which passengers are we really talking about? Your children? A new born? A down syndrome adult? Only middle eastern men?

Have you ever been interrogated at an airport by an Israeli security agent? I was, in Amsterdam. They get in your face and they look at you. They look at you up and down and they see you better than any body scan machine. They do a brain scan, and they do a damn fine job. If you got a bomb on your junk - they're gonna know it.

So why don't we have that level of security guards? Why don't we have screeners who are trained professionals? Who wear well fit designer suits and look like they all could kill you by twitching. Well, most likely because they are well trained, well paid, and the job comes with good benefits. Ah, with health care! That costs money. No we can't do that. We can't put the money into people! No, instead Americans build a cheap ass machine, as cheap as possible, and then put low paid workers with little training in front of the monitors.

But Israel trains their people and then they send them out into the world to train others and perform those same tasks for other countries who don't or won't do it themselves. And they do it because we pay for it. Time we paid for it here!

And if they ram this down our throats, you know they are gonna need to sell it to us Madison Avenue style.

Christ, I see it now. Fox evening news; "here's a smiling baby, held by a beautiful smiling young conservative mother going through the body scan. See, its easy." And the zombie talking heads will then make a bad joke about a poopie diaper, and we'll all laugh, and it will be okay.

I'm gonna puke. Then I'm gonna eat my puke so I can puke again. Fuck heads.

Speaking of how many of us fly in America, I looked around, and I found these numbers:

1 "Published: June 25, 1997
"AIRLINE passenger loads show no signs of easing, and in fact carriers have already boarded millions more passengers this year than last, when a record 581.2 million passengers flew."

2 "the airlines carried 745.7 million passengers on their total systems during 2005, up from the 712.6 million carried in 2004. During the first nine months of 2005, U.S. airlines carried 5.9 percent

3 "Bureau of Transportation - RITA - Total On-Flight Market Passengers Enplaned 468,777,039

So, 1996 - 581.2 million passengers. 2005 - 745.7 million passengers. 2009 - 468.7 million passengers

So that means that air travel is below levels last seen in 1996. And what does that mean? I haven't a clue. But I do know this; if everyone has to go through a scan, it is going to be a drag for everybody.(©noelolken)

For some people it will be on grounds of invasion of privacy. For some the radiation levels are a concern. For some it's civil liberties. For some, it's a religious issue. For some it will be the extra time it will take. So many reasons.

I hope America comes to it's senses soon. Why do we all have to go through this when the incident that started it, as serious as it is, didn't originate in this country, and probably wouldn't have been detected by this machine anyway. So why are we doing this? There is a grayed out area that covers the "junk". So what would that have done? Is it too cynical to think that it's just to sell machines? Who is gonna get these contracts and how much will it be worth? And will the machines be made here in America? Or will they be made overseas? China? The horse is dead, you can stop beating it.

ABC's Aaron Katersky Reports: "On June 4, 2009 the U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill, H.R. 2200, that would limit the use of whole-body imaging (WBI) systems in airports."

Wow! Only six months ago they got shut down by the Congress, that bold group of leaders we call Politicians. It goes on..."The amendment prohibits the use of full-body scanners as a primary screening method. They can be used as secondary screening and in such a case “would require the TSA to give passengers the option of a pat-down search in lieu of going through a WBI machine.”

Well that's nice, now we have options! Radiation or humiliation.

"We have a special today, radiation and a thorough pat down, comes with continental breakfast buffet only 6.99, cash or credit?"

Now I have to tell you, it may come as a surprise to some, but in my past I was profiled as a terrorist by many civilian and military police officers all over the world. Being a long haired, dark skin traveler in the 1980's in Europe just lent it self to that. Sure it was popular to travel, sure many people were doing it, but if you looked like me, you got pulled out of line a lot. If you were a bubbly blond with a Canadian flag sewn to your back pack, not so much.

One time I was taken off a train on my way to the airport in France, taken to a holding room at the station, and strip searched. Had my cavity examined. My anal cavity.

Once I was pushed up against the cold ceramic tile walls in a Parisian Metro station and had a machine gun thrust in my face.

Once I was terrorized by German Shepards as the police went through my vehicle.

The French Police had there way with me often, but I also had encounters with the German Police, the Swiss Police, Italian Polizei, and Greek officers. I was strip searched a total of three times, and countless pat downs and having my bags and pockets searched. It's not fun. And I was not a terrorist. Well, one cop in New Orleans must have thought my playing was a terrorist act - he arrested me for it.

So look, there are lots of reasons not to like this idea, but body image problems shouldn't really be a major one. If you got a problem with someone seeing your outline, maybe you ought to hit the gym.

I imagine there are lots of people who will like the experience. Get off on it. I wonder if it's against the law to look the screener right in the eye and wink, or lick your lips? If not, it probably will be. Gosh we love laws in this country. Think we have enough of them?

Hey this will make a good porn video. Vivid, if you're reading this and if you want my story, give me a call, I'd love to direct it. I could write the script tomorrow, we can shoot it over the weekend, we could get the DVD on line next Friday. Let's go. I'll cut my usual rate. I need work.

I know I won't fly anywhere soon unless I absolutely have to, but, sure, I'll do it, if I have to. Air travel is a privilege, not a right. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to. You can take a steamer to Paris. Go ahead. Book passage today. Prices are going up soon.©noelolken

Monday, January 04, 2010

The Untouchables - American style

I had a thought today that many Americans are becoming like the rag pickers of India. The Untouchables who go through the mountains of trash to find scraps of cloth or metal to eek out a meager living.

And what brought me to that thought? It wasn't the beggars on every corner. It wasn't the multitude of homeless people going through the trash. It wasn't the families working together to find cans and bottles to sell for cash. No, that is easy to see. No, it was...

The Internet. Yes, the Internet.

Let's face it, the Internet is cool, but it's also filled with so much garbage. You can find so many wonderful things on it, the whole sum of human existence is here somewhere, if you know where to look. So much creativity and beauty. But there is also a lot of garbage.

Some people are making a good living on the internet. Some have even become rich. And some people are like Untouchables.

Check this out. I'm selling my car right now using classified ads on the internet. Every response I've had so far has only been from someone trying to scam me, phish info on me, or sell me something. They got my info from the classified ads I posted. To do that, these people must cull through the ads, the piles and piles of ads (garbage) to find scraps of information (rags) to try to make a few pennies. If they get me to click on a link they send me, they might make a penny. If they get me to buy a service, they might get a commission. But it won't be a fortune, it won't even be enough to live on. It might be enough to subsist on. And tomorrow they will be going through the ads again looking for more rags. They aren't building anything. They aren't adding to the beauty of the world. They are just rag pickers, trying to stay alive one more day.

Another sign of the fall of the American Empire.

Monday, December 07, 2009

a quick note...

Been so long since I wrote, I thought a quick note to all my readers would be timely. What's up, peeps? How are you?

Very busy here in Noe-LA LA land, working a lot, catering to the needs of party goers in the LA area. Television directors, movie stars, and six year olds alike have received some awesome catering from yours truly.

Of course that's not why I'm here, it's just my day job. Still waiting for that big break thats right around the corner. I can feel it.

A short film I was in last year is on line, you can see it here...

And a indie feature I am in called The Seven Greatest Bathrooms In LA, (I know) is available to purchase on line as well. Looking for my next project! Someone want to cast me in a movie?

My friend Lance got me hooked up with this movie that shot in Chicago last month, and that turned into an associate producer role on "The Return Of Joe Rich", a cool indie film starring Armand Assante and Talia Shire. The director, Sam Auster is here in LA and I'm going to continue working on the film through post production. It should be a cool little film.

As for my films, Explode is still being edited. I have some new ideas to make it more abstract and less linear, expand the story with the footage I already shot by adding a voice over. it's gonna be very cool.

My first film, Slave, has been re-edited and I changed the name back to my original title, Meditations On Trafficking. As soon as I can gather up a thousand dollars to make DVD's I'll be self distributing the film on the web.

So, we moved in October and finally found a cool little house in the Highland Park neighborhood of LA. Its just north of downtown, close to Pasadena. 20 minutes from Hollywood, and we hear roosters crowing in a nearby backyard!

We have less square footage than the loft, but Kris and I each have our own working space, separate from each other, so it feels like we have more usable space. I'm writing to you now from the "MAN-CAVE", the detached garage that is my office and work space. No windows, no sunlight, no distractions. It was converted into a recording studio by the previous tenant, so it's sound proofed and I can play my guitar as loud as I like. It was a hard move, it took us two days to move all our stuff, but now that we are settled in, it is really great. Come on out and visit.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, Kris had a birthday, and here we are less than three weeks from Christmas. Another year of living in Paradise!

Hope all is well in your world.


Thursday, August 27, 2009

Where's the refrigerator?

It's moving time. We've been in our loft for three years now, and it's time for a change. Mostly to lower our rent, but also for a change. Loft living is cool, but it has its drawbacks.

So I'm reminded of another curious thing about Los Angeles? Not every rental apartment comes with a refrigerator. Yes, I know that's odd, being from "back east". When I first moved here and looked at apartments, no one could really tell me why or how that started, just "...this apartment doesn't come with a refrigerator".

So, if you are a renter, you have to carry around a refrigerator with you when you move. I suppose you could leave it, I'm sure some people do. And what if you have a refrigerator and you move into a new place that has one already? I suppose you can sell yours, or ask the land lord to move his. If you do sell yours, and move again in a year, you may have to buy another one. It gets complicated. And if you find a really cool place and it doesn't have a fridge, would you really not take it because you have to spend a few hundred bucks on a fridge?

So as I scour Craig's List for our new apartment, I study the pictures of the kitchen closely. Is there a big empty space under the cabinet or not? Does it say refrigerator included? I even saw an ad today that says, " Comes with a gas stove!" Wow, really. The apartment comes with a stove? How nice.

We still haven't found where we are going to move to yet, but we have started the best part of moving...the Purge! Getting rid of stuff. Eliminating clutter before you move it. Going through everything you own and asking yourself, "Do I still want this?"

We started today, going through files and paperwork. I must have cleared at least thirty pounds of old paper from my file cabinets. Old bank statements, bills and receipts. And it's just the beginning. Oh, yeah, it feels real good. This time I made a promise; I will be brutal, I will be unrepentant in my purging, and I will take no prisoners.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Going to the beach day!

Work. Work. Work. All I do is work. Fuck that, I'm going to the beach today with my beautiful wife who looks so hot in a bikini.

The rest can wait. Job? Who needs a job. Money? Who needs money.

Ring, ring. The bank is calling honey, they want your ass in a sling. Let 'em wait. The beach is calling.

Gotta give to me for one day.

Can I see your crapper, please?

We are currently looking for a new apartment and will be moving in about six weeks. How fun.

I spend a lot of time on Craig's List looking at what is available for rent now, and I am always surprised by how bad the pictures are that people post, to entice me to come look at their rental units.

For example, if there is a window in the kitchen; and you would be amazed at how many apartments they built in Los Angeles with galley kitchens that have no window, but if there is a window, they leave the blinds closed.

Then there are the people who post pictures of the bathroom. Really, the apartment comes with a crapper and indoor plumbing? Wow, I'll take it. Do you really think that showing me your plain jane sink and toilet will jazz me up enought to run out and see it? Ah, at least turn the light on?

Why don't you save the space CL gives you for four photos for something interesting, like built in cabinets, the fire place, a view from the balcony? Oh, because your crappy apartment doesn't have anything like that to offer.

As a former location scout, I know how hard it is to photograph a small bedroom. It's impossible. You see a small sliver of a room that only looks smaller because there is such a narrow angle. At least open the closet door and give it a little depth?

hey land lords, call me, for $100 bucks I'll come shoot your apartment and make it look interesting. Till then, what's the next crapper look like?

Monday, May 11, 2009

New Uniforms for Congress!

So here's my idea. All Senators and Congress People have to wear the logos of their corporate sponsors like race car drivers.

We need to see when a congress person or senator gets up to speak on CSPAN who they are owned by.

For example, when the good Senator from the Sate of Montana gets up to speak against single payer health care, it would be nice if we can clearly see on his "uniform" all the campaign contributions from the insurance companies, health care providers, or pharmaceutical companies that he has taken. The bigger the donation, the higher up and the bigger it is on his uniform.

I think this is an idea whose time has come.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

New Post - 9/27/08

I didn't know what else to call this post. Its been almost three months since my last post, and there is so much to write about, so okay, let me just get into it.

In my last post on July 4th, I spoke about my new film, Explode. Well I am glad to say the film has wrapped principal photography and is in the can. We shot it in seven and a half days in September.

I held a casting session on August 28th for some of the principal roles, started shooting on Sept 9, and wrapped Sept. 25. We shot a few days a week, around my work schedule.

I'll write more about Explode's production in a future post. I think it could be a good read for anyone who wants to make a small movie with no money and no crew. (I had a crew of six, and some of them were only on the film one day.)

But for now, to my cast and crew, I can't thank you enough. Your participation in the film was remarkable, and means so much to me. I couldn't have made this film without the help of the amazing Kris Cahill, who took time away from her painting studio to help produce this film for me, Rita Hausberger, my DP, and Leila Perry, my wardrobe designer and costumer.

To Joe Estevez, Circus*Szalewski, and the other 21 actors with speaking roles in the film,(24 speaking parts in such a small movie!!!!) I can't say enough how much I appreciate your participation and what a remarkable job you all did under such difficult conditions.

When I started planning this film, I didn't expect to start a new career, finally hanging up my server's apron. Did I find a job in the entertainment field like I was looking for? Did I land a studio production job? No, not yet, but if anyone from a studio is reading this, I'm still available and ready to start tomorrow; no, I started a new career as a car salesman. A what? That's right, you heard me, an automobile car sales professional. I thought it would be interesting, and I hoped I could make more money than waiting tables. Hey, if you are in So Cal and are looking for a new or pre-owned vehicle, drop me a line.

So a new job, lots of uncertainty in the market, a collapsing economy, a contentious election, a world in turmoil, and what do I do? I make a small dramatic feature on credit cards. I am a nut, but a film nut who just has to do my own thing, make my own art, and not let anyone tell me I can't.

September was also a busy month for me as an actor, in that two films I shot in the last year were going to have premieres. One, the long anticipated The $179.92 Movie, premiered last Thursday in Hollywood. It was fun to see, and my three scenes looked great.

The other film, the much bigger Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge, is calling itself the worlds most expensive and comprehensive adult feature in the world! With a cast of sexy superstars, Pirates 2 is already the most pre-ordered title ever. In fact, the movie is so popular, they are releasing an R rated version as well.

Tonights red carpet premiere and media event at a classic movie palace in downtown Los Angeles is going to be a blast. And guess what? You can see my character, Blind Ed, in the trailer - twice! Yeah, I'm in the trailer. First time a role I play is in the trailer for a film. But not the last time, I can tell you that. Here is a link to the Pirates 2 website, where you can see the trailer, but be warned, it is a XXX adult site.

So as you can see, its been a pretty busy month.

But I have time for more. So if you want to hire me to direct a feature, produce a feature, or star in your upcoming feature, please contact me. I'm ready to go.
Until then, I'll just keep working on the edit of Explode, and all the other projects I have going on, like the Kiss From Calcutta webisode project we start shooting again in October, and more ground breaking ideas from my fertile and creative mind.

Enjoy the trailer, and I'll be writing more soon about Explode and the whole production process, with photos and post production updates.

That's all for now,


Friday, July 04, 2008

Like a bad penny - I'm back!

Hey you all, how are you? I'm back again to fill this small box with words and ideas. Happy fourth of July to you? What are you doing today? I'm going to work, cause I'm free to work as much as I want. Hurray Amerika!

Thinking about so many things since I last wrote - months ago.

Very excited about Barack Obama being the democratic nominee for President. What a primary fight that was. I'm totally down with that. Really hoping that universal health care is in all our futures. Can't wait to see who will play at the inaugural dinner.

I've been thinking about trying my hand at stand up comedy. been going to see a few shows at The Improv on Melrose. Working on some new material now.

Also, and this is the most exciting, I'm getting ready to make a new movie. I'm writing, directing, producing, starring in, and composing the sound track. I'm gonna do it all and showcase my talents. I am going to take Hollywood by storm and NOW is the time! The film is called Explode! and its an existential crime thriller. I call it "Of Mice And Men meets Waiting For Godot meets Reservoir Dogs". Its gonna rock. I'm shooting it in August and hope to have it finished by the end of the year.

As an actor I have three films and a webisode in the can, completed, that I hope you will all get to see soon.

Okay, that's it, enough for my first day back. Off to work soon. Have a safe and happy fourth and remember democracy starts with you - tag you're it! Do something.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Restaurant dress code - High on Crack.

Hey all you hipsters out there, I got news for you. Wearing your pants low on your hips so your butt crack shows when you sit down is passe. Hitch up your pants when you sit down would you?

I was having a wonderful evening out with friends the other night, when just as our meal ended, a hipster couple comes in and sits down across from us. The male of the couple has his back to me and I can't help but notice his butt crack smiling at me from across the aisle. Eww! I don't want to look at that!

I wondered if there was a polite way to tell him his butt crack was hanging out in a public place, but I couldn't think of one. Like when a guys zipper is down, you say, "Your barn door is open". How about, "Excuse me bro, but your skinny ass is hanging out of your stupid perma-press plaid pants". Or, "Hey, are you a plumber?"

I wanted to take a picture, but instead I drew a picture on a napkin. I think I'm going to try to market it to restaurants worldwide. Maybe it should be posted next to the NO SMOKING signs. What do you think? Let's end this crack epidemic now. Crack Kills!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Day 9

Hello Everyone,

I'd like you to take a minute from your working out and stretching so I can tell you about mine. Today is day nine of the 30 day workout plan. I have been diligently working out everyday and I really feel the difference. I dropped two pounds and I feel great. It is becoming something I look forward to now and it really is habit forming.

If I was to do a commercial for working out, would I have to have the slick sounding voice over person come on and read the disclaimer?

"Warning: working out everyday can lead to better health and stamina, constant feelings of euphoria, restful sleep and great energy. Some exercisers have reported weight loss, mental clarity, loss of appetite, increased sexual desire, ability to stop taking pharmaceuticals, better breath, solid stools, renewed friendships, increased work promotions and more laughter. Other side effects may include more money in the bank, lack of fear and anxiety and longer life expectancy. Please consult a doctor before starting any workout regimen. If your doctor says you can't do it, find another doctor"

Now, back to your workout.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Cause I'm The Tax Man...

I was cast in a very fun video shoot as HR, as in HR Block, the tax preparation company. Seems they charge quite a bit for their services if you want a Refund Anticipation Loan (RAL). This documentary on RAL's by Karney Hatch will explain it all, in under five minutes, so you don't get taken advantage of. I had a lot of fun doing it and I hope you like it too. Check out Karney's other work at Current TV.

Monday, April 14, 2008

30 day workout program - begin!

Day 1: April 14, 2008

Last year I participated in a 12 week workout program and I was very impressed by how much weight I lost and how my body changed in such a short time. 12 weeks is a short time, when compared to how long I spent talking about doing something about my weight.

As I wrote last year, and discussed at great length in previous posts, in twelve weeks I lost 20 pounds and 15 1/2 inches overall and was feeling great. However, when the program ended, when I no longer was obliged to attend regular workouts under the watchful gaze of a coach, I stopped working out regularly.

Sure I worked out, but no longer 3 to 6 times a week like I did during the program. If a week went by and I didn't go to the club, I'd chalk it off to being really busy. If a month went by, I would tell myself it was okay because I stretched a few times at home.

The result was that since the program ended 10 months ago, and I gave my testimonial and took my beautiful "after" pictures, I put back on seven pounds. That is almost a pound a month. You do the math and figure out where I would be in two years, or five years. No, can't have that again. The yo-yo effect is a very real phenomenon that people who struggle with their weight have to deal with. I have dealt with it all my life. I have a small frame, but if I am not careful, I can pack on the pounds really quickly.

Fortunately the size 31 pants I bought still fit, and the seven pounds don't show a lot, but I knew I had to do something.

The key to success in making changes in your life like weight loss or working out are commitment and accountability. It has to be to yourself, first and foremost, but getting others involved can be very helpful.

For example: Last week I worked out two days in a row, and I felt good, so I decided to extend that and see if I couldn't make a big change again in my toning. I decided that I would workout thirty days in a row, just for the hell of it, to see what happens. Would I lose weight? Would I tone my abs again? It was worth a try, as no matter what happened I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. (Or seven pounds to lose and abs to gain).

Then I was talking to a friend of mine, and it hit me, what if I suggest he do the same thing; that he join me in a thirty day workout? That way we could feel a sense of community and responsibility to ourselves and each other. Communities and groups tend to create a strong motivation that gives a person the courage and the strength to do things that they may not succeed at on their own. It doesn't matter that he lives in Chicago and I live in Los Angeles, we could chart our progress and encourage each other.

I know when I was a teenager I felt that at the Weight Watcher meetings I attended. When the leader announced how much weight each member lost to the group, and you got applause for it, it was a strong and positive affirmation. And last year, I felt that in the group program. A feeling of competition, encouragement and connection.

If I said I was going to workout for thirty days, and I told no one, who would call me on it if I missed a day? No one. If a man is alone in the woods and doesn't do his push-ups, does it still add calories? That makes no sense, but I knew if I had to report to someone that I had done my workout I would be more motivated.

So every Monday for the next five week I will report to you, dear reader, my progress of working out everyday for 30 days. Specifically, no matter what else I do; run, swim, weight training, etc, I have to do 200 ab crunches and 50 push-ups a day for the next 30 days. As the days go on, if I decide to increase the numbers I can, that is just a minimum.

You are my motivation. Its a win-win situation.

So, if this makes you think that maybe you too would like to shed a few pounds before summer, and help your self get back in shape, then why don't you call a friend, make a commitment, and just get started. What have you got to lose?

Oh, by the way, since I completed the program last year I have retained most of the gains I made in muscle mass and at almost 49 years old, I can honestly say I have never been in better shape in my life. I remember I once tried out for the football team in high school and at the first workout I couldn't do one push-up. Some girls laughed at me. Now I can do a set of twenty no problem.

Here in Los Angeles, trying to make it as an actor means I have to do everything I can to make myself standout over thousands of other actors all going for the same job. Confidence is important, and so is backing it up with a certain look. I want to be the strong 50 year old who could have been a strong twenty year old. No one has to know I was ever fat, or weak, or carried an extra 70 pounds on me. No, I can be the tough old guy, which is a role I prefer over aging paunchy fat guy.

And the camera adds weight anyway, so being a little overweight really shows on camera, as opposed to being really toned and buff.

Vain? Maybe a little, but I have a career at stake here. I am a performer, and as such, I have to make myself look good. No, better than good. Great.

What are you going to do today?

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Blind Ed

Two posts in one day?

Well, it's been a few weeks since I did my shoot on the "adult feature" Pirates II. It was such a fun day. I was treated very well, I worked with really interesting people, and I thought I did a great job.

My role, a comedic character who helps the hero along on his journey, was really fun to shoot. Wearing a latex eye patch over one eye and a "blind" contact lens in the other was interesting, but not comfortable at all. Here is what I looked like:

The makeup department did an awesome job.

It was a really professional shoot. The crew was top notch. The wardrobe, sets, and costumes matched any studio production I've ever been on. Joone, the director, really knew what he wanted and how to get it. I just had a blast. I can't wait to see it. And I hope I get invited to the premiere. That will be one fun party.

Word on the set was that Pirates II may get an R rated release, which would mean a lot of people might see this movie, and me. I hope so. I have three films still in the can, all set to be released this year. It could be a big year!


What is Patriotism? What is love of country? Is it simply and easily wearing an American Flag lapel pin?

Some weeks ago there was an uproar in the press, started by the right, against Barack Obama for not wearing a flag pin on his lapel.

Ridiculous, I know, but Americans like to get caught up in these childish pursuits.

For my self, I don't care whether or not a person wears a flag pin or not, though to be honest, the sight of a flag pin on someone's lapel makes me less trusting of that person, not more so.

But I would like to ask you this; where was that lapel pin made? I would wager it was made in China. And so by wearing an American flag lapel pin made in another country, you are supporting the outsourcing of jobs FROM America, the transfer of wealth OUT of America, the exploitation of workers across the world, and letting corporations get away with making massive profits and not pay taxes here in the states.

Thats what I think of your flag lapel pin.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

How could you not like that speech?

Hi Everyone,

It's been hard to write the last few weeks, so sorry for not keeping up to date with my musings. Hope you are well. I've been feeling pretty dark lately, but its all good now. Even two days in Vegas couldn't get me jazzed up enough to write. What a place, Vegas. Pretty funny. Maybe that will be a future post. The drive through the desert was nice.

I lost my job the other night. Funny story, I'll share it some day. It was getting in the way of my acting, so, I had to leave. Reminds me of what Kris' grandfather used to always say to me, "When your work gets in the way of your fun, you have to leave that job". He didn't really mean it, but he said it a lot. Anyway, I guess I took it to heart.

Anyway, did you see Barack Obama's speech today? You really have to invest the 37 minutes and check it out. He does more in 37 minutes to help heal the racial divide in America than I've seen anyone do in 37 years. And he did it by just telling it like it is. By saying what is on the minds of so many people. By expressing out loud the feelings and frustrations and desire for change so many people have; black, white, brown, Hindu, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Catholic, in short, most Americans today.

His story is remarkable, and very American. And if he is elected president I know things will turn around. People will feel empowered, and our elected officials will start to listen. Things will change.

And he even acknowledged those who don't want change, those who like things like they are. Fortunately there are only a few Americans like that, but they are a mighty few. I think they will come around though, I think they will see what is good for America will be good for them too.

He delivered a speech that was magnificent, and presidential. Boy, its been a long time since we've heard words like that. And so, in spite of what I'm going through these days, dealing with money problems, career problems, agent problems, and creative blocks, I am full of hope tonight at the thought of Barack Obama as the next president of The United States.

Here's a link:

Here's the video:

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Phantom Love in Chicago 2/29-3/06

Greetings Reader,

How are you? It's getting pretty late, are you okay to drive home from here? If not, leave your keys with the bartender and hitch-hike home.

Say, are you from Chicago? I thought so. I could tell by the way you say "gimee a beef samich". Which is strange because I don't have beef sandwiches.

What am I selling? Dreams, my friend, pure dreams. Want one? I thought so. Who doesn't. Here, put this in your pocket and don't look at it until you get home.

You ever been to Facets on Fullerton? No, not the scrap iron place, the movie theatre. They show art films and stuff like that. Yeah, right, next to the sub shop. That's the one. Well if you go there this week you can see me in a movie. No I'm not shitting you. Yeah, me, in a movie, up on the big screen. No, I'm not in the new Harry Potter movie, not yet at least. But I hope I'll be in the last one.

No, I'm in a film called Phantom Love and its playing this week only. So go see it. No, no car chases. No, no explosions. Yeah, there is sex. There are snakes. And there is magic. There are boats and clouds and gambling too. And a river. Oh, and it's in beautiful black and white. Yeah, shot on film. No, film, you know, sprockets and emulsion and chemicals and shit. Yeah they sell popcorn. No, really, I'm not kidding you. I'm in the film. I play a preacher. On TV. A TV preacher. Yeah, all fire and brimstone this and burn in hell that. Check it out.

No, I don't get paid more if you see it, I just want you to go see a cool film and be like, "hey, I know that dude in the movie".

Here are the details. See it if you want. Drive home safely.

Phantom Love by Nina Menkes
in Chicago at Facets Cinematheque
1517 West Fullerton Ave
Chicago, IL 60614

Fri., Feb. 29 at 7 & 9 pm

Sat.-Sun., Mar. 1-2 at 3, 5, 7 & 9 pm

Mon.-Thurs., Mar. 3-6 at 7 & 9 pm

Chicago Reader Review:

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Oscar Sunday

I didn't want the day off today, but I have it, so I am going to make the best of it. Of course the best part will be spending the day with Kris, in our loft, working and then watching the Oscars on TV.

No Oscar parties for us this year. No galas or after parties or designer gowns and tuxedos. Maybe next year.

I haven't made any predictions for who will win tonight, but after seeing There Will Be Blood last night, I feel fairly certain that Daniel Day Lewis will walk away with the statue for Best Actor in a Lead Role. The film is remarkable, and DDL's performance was so nuanced and believable. (Was the opening an homage to My Left Foot?) What a despicable character.

I say nuanced and believable because as Bill The Butcher in Gangs of New York, he was fun, but I thought he was over the top and chewing everything in site.

And as Kris pointed out, I like how PT Anderson chose to look at the early titans of oil and show how evil they were, right from the start. First we'll steal from Americans, then we'll steal from the rest of the world. Pure evil. Delicious for filmmakers and artists, not so nice for the real people who have lost their lives and fortunes over oil.

For a guy who runs a movie review website, I admit I haven't seen most of the nominated films this year. In the best picture category I have only seen three of the five, and I am going to give the award to There Will Be Blood.

I hope by next year to build up Bikini Movie Review to a more recognized brand name and have a reporter on the red carpet. In a bikini of course. Cold and rainy as it may be.

And let me ask you, if the powers that be at A.M.P.A.S know how cold and rainy it is or can be in LA in February, why move the awards to this time from March? Huh? Why? Well don't complain about the weather then, okay? Just the thought of all those stars getting rained on thrills me.

Okay, gonna post this now before the ceremony starts. Off to more busy work in the life of an artist/actor/writer/producer/filmmaker/waiter.

I never thought I'd say that again. I'm a waiter. I'm a waitergonebad®. I thought I had hung up my apron for good, but it goes to show you, you never really know what life has in store for you sometimes.

Hey the sun just came out for a minute, maybe I'll go down stairs for a quick swim. Yes, I will.

I do have a call back tomorrow for a car commercial, so that is good.

Enjoy the fashions, the laughs and the celebration of tonights Oscars! Long live the cinema!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A Rant On Politics. Reader beware.

A few days ago a friend in Chicago sent me a link to the Obama YES WE CAN video.

I in turn sent him a link to the same group of people singing the words of John McCain.

So scary.

Anyway, there were about thirty-nine people on the email list, and one of the people, someone I don't know, followed up by sending the entire list the stupid nonsense on the web that Obama is a muslim, that he was sworn in on a Koran, that he eats white babies for breakfast, blah, blah, blah, the same old crap. So I let that person have it for not thinking on his own and for being a pawn of the Rovians.

That was followed by another comment from another person I don't know attacking Obama but in a more intelligent way.

My post tonight is my reply to that letter. Do me a favor people, do what you think is right, but don't be afraid to open your ears and listen to all sides. Don't be afraid to talk to your friends and neighbors about the issues that deeply affect us all. And don't be afraid to admit when something you believe turns out to be false, or something you thought was false turns out to be true.


Thank you for your reply.

"I'll agree with everyone, that Mr. S------'s information is not all that credible and is pretty much a scare tactic."

Not all that credible?

"And I really don't like to talk politics..."

I wish Americans were not so reticent about talking about politics. Why is American Idol easier to talk about than who will be the next American President?

In any event, if we are ever going to grow as a nation, we need to be able to talk to each other about the difficult issues. Not fight, not insult, and not tell lies, but just talk. In the end, we all go into that little private booth and do what we feel is best. So thank you for entering this discussion. And for those who don't want to participate, no problem, that's what the DELETE button is for.

The voting record of all Senators are public record. Here is a link to a Washington Post data base of all the votes by US Senators in the 110th Congress.

You are right, people should know the voting record of the candidates. That is a sure way to know the past. But sometimes people change their minds, and reverse their votes later. Clinton has. McCain has. That is fair, and shows the ability of a person to grow and change.

But while we should hold up voting records to scrutiny, members of Congress vote how for their constituents back home. When running for President, the rules are different. And those who run for President do miss many votes out on the campaign trail.

Obama was not in the senate when the vote to go to war was taken, but Clinton was, and she voted for it. And she continued to vote YES every time Bush asked for more money or power to fund his illegal war or continue his illegal occupation. That is the number one reason I will not vote for Clinton. She will not acknowledge the war is a travesty, and will not even say she will get our troops out of Iraq before 2013. Unacceptable.

McCain wants to keep us in Iraq for 100 years. How do you feel about that?

But Barack is not just a great, inspiring, speaker, he is against the war, he is for health care for all (his plan and Clinton's are virtually the same - which is too bad, neither go far enough towards single payer health care like every other developed nation on the planet), and his record in the Illinois Senate shows he votes for justice. Because of Barack, the Chicago Police now video tape interrogations. I want a President who will fight for all Americans.

And since you brought up Reagan, perhaps you are a Republican, so let me ask you are, are Republicans for tax increases? Because Reagan increased taxes 11 times. Are Republicans for granting amnesty to illegal aliens? Oh, because Reagan did that. Are Republicans for spending billions of dollars on a cockamamy defense project called Star Wars? Oh, yeah, they are. You got that one.

Now let's look at some other great Reagan accomplishments. Let's see, he broke the air traffic controllers union, which caused the beginning of the loss of good jobs in America and the decline of union membership in America. In 1980 25% of Americans were part of a union, today, it is 7%. Think about that next time you try to make a payment on your ballooning mortgage.

But to be fair, while Reagan started us down the slippery slope of deregulation and privatization, it was a Democrat by the name of Clinton who signed NAFTA into law, the worst thing he ever did, and I can't excuse that horrendous decision. And I'll never vote for a Clinton again. Ever.

But this all started because one person tried to spread a fun video, and another tried to spread nasty lies.

So now I'll stop, step down off my box, and wish you all a good night.

Noel Olken
Los Angeles, Ca

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I won an award this week!

I have been awarded the Mad Skillz award by Kris Cahill over at Art and Clairvoyance.

Thanks, Kris.

She gave me the award for making her laugh everyday with my silly characters, my silly movements, my silly dancing, my silly jokes and puns, and my silly noises.

Many people probably think I had to sleep with Kris to get this award, but I didn't have to. I would have done it anyway. In fact that is where I ought to be right now.

I'm up late again tonight trying to figure things out. I had a glimpse tonight of things getting better real soon. I'm gonna work on creating some magic in my life so that happens. Kris should get an award for making magic happen. She is good at that. She practices what she preaches. She teaches and inspires others to do the same. She deserves another award, too. The You Inspire me Award. I'm gonna Create one and send it to her.

As soon as I figure things out. Yeah. Okay. It's okay. It's all okay.

I read about Tom Wilkinson in the Times today. In his late forties, with a respected career in English theatre and television, he decided he wanted to make it in movies. So he went about and did it. And now he is nominated for his second Oscar. That is an inspiring story. I'm gonna give him an award, too.

I also, in my late forties, changed my career, picked up my life and wife moved us across the country. For what? To make a new career for myself in the talkies.

In fits and starts it is going. I'm just so damn impatient. And that's why I got to figure things out, cause it isn't happening for me as fast as I would like. It is happening though, and I can't lose sight of that. It is happening. Four speaking roles in four feature films in two years, (one premiered at Sundance) a guest spot on a TV show and recently a national commercial.

When you put it like that, it sounds pretty good?

Tomorrow will be a day of magic. Let's go to bed now. There is a cute little red-haired girl waiting for me who needs a good laugh. Tomorrow.


Sometimes I stay up at night thinking of ways to make Kris laugh. That's fun.


Tomorrow's lottery jackpot is 220 million. Well of course I bought a lottery ticket, didn't you?


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentines Day everybody!

Whoever you are feeling special about, whoever you want to feel special about, whoever makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside - I hope you get to spend time with your valentine today. I know I will.

Here's to you, Valentine! Love, Noel

Here is a great heart. Painting by Kris Cahill.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

411 on the 911

I worked in Santa Monica today at the art gallery installing a new show. Driving home at about 7PM on the eastbound 10, I had to dodge a filing cabinet that was in the middle lanes. Pretty scary to have such a huge piece of debris on a busy highway. Probably fell off the back of one of those junk trucks. You know the trucks; an old jalopy of a pick-up with old doors on the sides so they can hold more junk, crammed full of all kinds of junk metal and tied down with a kite string? I love those guys, but I will never drive behind them because I always assume their load is going to fall off any second.

I assumed the debris had already been reported to the California Highway Patrol, but just to make sure, I called 911 anyway. In California, 911 is answered by the CHP and then calls are routed from there to the appropriate authority.

But here is the deal, and I think this is pretty scary. The call to 911 was answered by a machine that told me if this is a real emergency to press or say one, and then repeated the same message in Spanish. I did nothing, so the message repeated itself. Finally I said "one".

There was a series of clicks and noises and then another recording told me that all operators were busy and I should stay on the line. "Please stay on the line and an operator will be with you shortly". The same message was then repeated in Spanish. Following that was a series of clicks and then the sound of a phone ringing. After eight rings, the same recording came back on telling me that all operators are busy and to stay on the line. This happened at least four times, and my call wasn't answered by a human being until four minutes and thirty five seconds after I placed the call.

It was rather amusing to think what would have happened if this had been a real emergency. Is there, I wondered, another secret number for getting through in case of a REAL emergency?

Is the system privatized? Are the operators in Mumbai or Delhi? That could be a problem, no?

Here is a new message I thought of while waiting on hold.

If you have been shot, press one.
If you are holding your internal organs in your hand, press two.
If you are having a heart attack, press three.
If your house is on fire, please press four.
If you are being molested, please press five.
If you are being chased by a terrorist, please press six.
If you would like to be connected directly to a funeral home, press seven.
To hear music on hold, press eight.
To repeat these options, press nine.
For all other emergencies, please stay on the line and an operator will assist you in the order your call was received.

When an operator finally did assist me, he told me that they already had that incident on record and an officer was on the way. Whew, I feel better knowing that.

Ah, Los Angles, looking and feeling more like the movies Blade Runner or Brazil everyday.

Anyway, I made it home, and hopefully if I really do need to make a 911 call someday, and I hope I don't, it will go a little better than that.

Hey, did you hear the good news? The writers strike is finally over. Call 911!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Ahoy, mateys! Is that ship made of wood?

So I'm working this really boring cocktail party last night. It's about 35 women and three men at a fancy private school in Los Angeles. It's a meet and greet for some visiting educators and some of the school's department heads. We're in the home of the school director which is adjacent to the school and the only good thing about this party is it will be over very quickly.

So as I maneuver my way through them with hors d'oeuvres I hear snippets of conversations. "I love teaching English". "The hotel is nice". "Wasn't the weather beautiful today"? And I just want to yell out out to these nice people, "Hey, I just got cast as Blind Ed the pirate in the sequel to the award winning porn film, Pirates!" But of course I didn't.

Yes, friends, I got the part. I was called on Saturday morning by the casting director to tell me they loved me, they talked about me all day Friday, and the producer will be calling me soon to work out the details. It shoots in March.

So I did a little research on the film, went to the Pirates website, and even found a trailer for Pirates II on line. It really is a fun trailer. Here is a link to it. (The trailer is not pornographic but there are other images on the page some might find dis-tasteful. So please, only go if you are over 18 and can handle that sort of stuff)

The trailer is an animated sequence of a pirate ship on the high seas during a raging storm under a full moon. We get closer and closer and then we move through the ship to see a skeleton pirate at the wheel. Very nice.

Pirates One has won over 40 awards in the adult film industry and is one of the highest selling titles of all time.

At least if I'm gonna do porn, I'm doing high-class porn.

Look at me, in Los Angeles less than two years and I've already been in a feature film at Sundance, modeled for Playboy and now a porn film. My career is really looking up!

All those classes and workshops are starting to pay off.

Too bad its not a SAG film. I could get my card with this one. Oh, well.

More details and fun stories from the set to follow. I'm sure it is going to be a blast.

Friday, February 08, 2008

My own private Boogie Nights.

Before I get into the audition I just did at a San Fernando Valley porn studio, let me tell you about the party I worked at last night, The Black Eyed Pea's Peapod Foundation Gala. It was a star studded event at the Apollo Theatre in Hollywood. I was working the VIP buffet, which was only for about 300 of the 900 invited guests. I saw Dennis Haysbert, one of my favorite characters on the series, 24. And the funniest moment was when Dennis bent over to say hello to Dr. Ruth, who came up to his belly button, or just about. He really had to bend over. Laurence Fishburne was there. And of course the Black Eyed Peas put on a show. And many friends and guests appeared on stage with them. When I got a chance to peek at the stage, I saw the BEP joined by Slash, Snoop Dog, and MC Hammer. It was a really hard party because of all the people in such a small space. When I was sent home at 1AM, (they cut the early people to save on OT) the band was still playing. I was happy to go, I didn't want to be there till 4AM. I had an audition today!

So the audition was for a sequel to a very popular porn film called Pirates. The box cover is a Pirates of the Caribbean knock-off. What separates this porn film from most are the high production values and a story. Now I haven't seen the film, but from what I read, it is still a very popular title and continues to sell well. In fact, the US DVD distributor is the same company the distributed Cup Of My Blood, the feature I produced. I'm sure MTI had more success with Pirates than with Cup.

Anyway, I saw the audition notice on Craig's List, and the reason I responded was because it said there was no nudity and no sex in these scenes, it paid, and the character was a blind pirate. I love playing pirates! So I submit a head shot and I get an email back that they would like to see me, and I am given an audition time and sent the sides. Sides are the pages from the script for that character that you have to read at the audition.

The scene I have to read is so funny I can't believe it. It is really funny and well written. Basically, they're auctioning off women, and the blind pirate asks the auctioneer to describe one particular beauty. Its really funny, and I was going to play it over the top.

So I drive out to Van Nuys, in the valley, home of the porn industry, and go to a nondescript cinder block building on a nondescript street off the 405.

There are a half dozen other guys standing out front going over sides. I park and check in with the CD (casting director), and ask to use the bathroom. The first thing I see in the lobby are posters for Pirate on the walls, and other titles they have produced.

To get to the bathroom I walk past the warehouse where thousands of DVD's are waiting to be shipped. The bathroom is covered with centerfolds and posters and stacks of porn in the stall.

I slip into my pirate costume. Head scarf, eye patch, and earring. I have a cane, and I'm wearing a black sleeveless tee, black jeans, and my pointy renaissance faire shoes.

The fun thing about going into an audition in costume and character like that is it can really mess with the minds of the other guys auditioning.

The CD is very amused. After a few minutes he calls three of us up stairs to where the readings are going on. Now I don't want to jinx myself, but judging from what I heard, I was not in the company of the best actors in Hollywood, or even Van Nuys.

Anyway, the guy before me is also reading for the blind pirate character. The door was open so I could hear him. He was "reading", and he spoke the text like some one reading an IRS tax form. It was so flat and boring I couldn't help but be buoyed by hearing him.

I'm next. I have the eye patch over my dark sunglasses, and I crash into the wall like I can't see on my way into the room.

Well, I tore into the scene and chewed on it like nobodies business. I gave it my all; pirate voice, pirate manner, and pirate fire.

Whatever happens, it was a good story. It will be even better if they hire me! Almost as good a story as my audition at the Scientology Celebrity Center soon after I moved to LA. They didn't hire me.

You can be sure if I am cast as the blind pirate, you will read about it here. Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Super (FAT) Tuesday

Since I couldn't be in New Orleans partying my ass off on Mardi Gras, I did the next best thing. I voted in a monumental democratic primary.

Yesterday Kris and I went to vote first thing in the morning. Our polling place is a homeless shelter in the quickly gentrifying skid row area of downtown Los Angeles. We live about five minutes, by car from there. The building is very new and very nice. We have voted there several times since we moved here.

Outside the mission, scores of homeless people and all their belongings were scattered on the street around the mission. It was like they were kicked out for the day to allow the building to be a polling place. Many of the homeless we saw were women and African-Americans. I doubt many of them were voting. Are they aware of the changes taking place around them.

There is a new construction going up right next to the mission, looks like a condo building.

This area is changing quickly.

America is changing quickly, too. Yesterday my choice for democratic nominee for President was a woman and an African-American male. Wow. That is huge. One of them will be the next President of the United States. That is so cool.

I voted for Barack Obama. I like him, and I like his message of change. I like how he is firing up younger Americans and getting them to take an interest in our country. I like that when he speaks, he doesn't look like he is just reading a speech. I would like to see the race barrier in the oval office ended.

If Hillary is nominated, I would vote for her. I would also like to see the gender barrier in the oval office ended. But as much as I would love to see a female president, I don't think Hillary is the right woman. I think she brings too much baggage with her. And I can't ever forget she voted for the war in Iraq. And now she says she didn't think Bush would do what he did? She trusted him? What kind of judgment is that? And then she continued to vote to fund the war. And besides, in a country of 300 million people, is the gene pool so limited that only Bushes or Clintons are fit to run for president? Give me a break. I thought we got rid of monarchies a few centuries ago?

It hit me yesterday - the Bushies will get away with MURDER.

It seems like the Bushies didn't count on such a backlash to the last seven years of their un-democratic rule, but they did, in effect, create the backlash against them. They probably thought they could steal two presidential elections, rape and pillage Iraq, plunder the US treasury and steal all they wanted, destroy everything they don't like, continue to sow fear and hatred, line the supreme court with their people, enrich their pockets, trash the constitution, spy on American citizens, destroy the middle class and then come back and do it again.

Well, I'm glad to say that is not going to happen.

Their crimes, which will go unpunished (remember Scooter Libby), have been so egregious, that the backlash they have created will also be remarkable! A democrat for President! A woman or a black man!

The problem is, unfortunately, that they are going to have the last laugh. Because on Jan 20, 2009, when the new President is sworn in, they will slither away, and all the damage they have created will have to be cleaned up by someone else. They will just walk away and not be held accountable or responsible for the mess they made. Mark my words, they will get away with it, and then they will blame it all on the Democrats. Somehow, they will make all their believers believe it was not their fault and the Dem's caused it all. They are sneaky that way.

If that is how it is going to be, then hopefully, whoever the next president is, they will be just as crafty and smart and cunning and make such bold changes so America moves as quickly as possible toward a more forward thinking, prosperous and equitable new era.

We are a diverse country. There is no way Americans can ever all agree on one thing. But a majority of Americans agree that change is needed; that the occupation of Iraq must end, that jobs need to be created, that tax cuts for the rich are a sham, that a 3000 mile fence along the southern border is a joke. I'm glad to predict that change is a coming. Democrats make a lot of mistakes, too. Look at the ridiculous Michigan and Florida primaries? Look at the mess they are creating with delegates and super-delegates? They are often only thinking of their own gain as well. But at least they are not as greedy as the people who have run the country for the last seven years. Maybe that is the only difference. Still, it is a huge one. Its gonna be a bumpy ride.

Monday, February 04, 2008

A List Party

It's about time I got to work a fun celebrity party. And work I did! The homes in the Hollywood Hills are quite lovely, until you have to carry lots of dishes up and down three flights of steps hundreds of times a night!

Saturday I worked a birthday party for a talent agent at a major agency. There were a lot of A-list talent there. We were told before the party to give great service, remain invisible, and don't give out any head shots. "What about scripts" I asked?

Some of the guests I served, who ate appetizers off my tray, included Laura Linney, (so sweet) Jennifer Aniston (very pretty, nice shoes) Orlando Bloom, Natalie Portman, Christina Ricci, Rachel McAdams and Jason Bateman.

A pretty nice gathering, a fun party, lots of cigarettes, and everyone exclaimed how bad they were being for eating anything other than carrot sticks. When the cake came out, you could just see them making plans for extra personal training sessions on Monday with every bite.

There was a psychic at the party, and all I could think of was that it should have been Kris. I can't wait till Kris is psychic to the stars, and reading all these people! How fun. I kept emailing Kris all night with updates...Jen's shoes are marvelous...Natalie is getting a reading...the cake is delicious.

Today I called the party planner who produced the party and sent her some info on Kris. I want Kris to be "the" clairvoyant to the stars! I want her to be at these parties. I've said it before, and its no joke, I want to be a kept man, and live in the manner to which I want to be accustomed. I know Kris wants that too, so its all good.

By the end of the night, after ten hours of going up and down those stairs, I was exhausted. I didn't get home till after 3am, and didn't get enough sleep. I was so excited - it was Super Bowl Sunday!

That is another story for another day.

Who is you favorite celebrity?