My own private Boogie Nights.

Before I get into the audition I just did at a San Fernando Valley porn studio, let me tell you about the party I worked at last night, The Black Eyed Pea's Peapod Foundation Gala. It was a star studded event at the Apollo Theatre in Hollywood. I was working the VIP buffet, which was only for about 300 of the 900 invited guests. I saw Dennis Haysbert, one of my favorite characters on the series, 24. And the funniest moment was when Dennis bent over to say hello to Dr. Ruth, who came up to his belly button, or just about. He really had to bend over. Laurence Fishburne was there. And of course the Black Eyed Peas put on a show. And many friends and guests appeared on stage with them. When I got a chance to peek at the stage, I saw the BEP joined by Slash, Snoop Dog, and MC Hammer. It was a really hard party because of all the people in such a small space. When I was sent home at 1AM, (they cut the early people to save on OT) the band was still playing. I was happy to go, I didn't want to be there till 4AM. I had an audition today!

So the audition was for a sequel to a very popular porn film called Pirates. The box cover is a Pirates of the Caribbean knock-off. What separates this porn film from most are the high production values and a story. Now I haven't seen the film, but from what I read, it is still a very popular title and continues to sell well. In fact, the US DVD distributor is the same company the distributed Cup Of My Blood, the feature I produced. I'm sure MTI had more success with Pirates than with Cup.

Anyway, I saw the audition notice on Craig's List, and the reason I responded was because it said there was no nudity and no sex in these scenes, it paid, and the character was a blind pirate. I love playing pirates! So I submit a head shot and I get an email back that they would like to see me, and I am given an audition time and sent the sides. Sides are the pages from the script for that character that you have to read at the audition.

The scene I have to read is so funny I can't believe it. It is really funny and well written. Basically, they're auctioning off women, and the blind pirate asks the auctioneer to describe one particular beauty. Its really funny, and I was going to play it over the top.

So I drive out to Van Nuys, in the valley, home of the porn industry, and go to a nondescript cinder block building on a nondescript street off the 405.

There are a half dozen other guys standing out front going over sides. I park and check in with the CD (casting director), and ask to use the bathroom. The first thing I see in the lobby are posters for Pirate on the walls, and other titles they have produced.

To get to the bathroom I walk past the warehouse where thousands of DVD's are waiting to be shipped. The bathroom is covered with centerfolds and posters and stacks of porn in the stall.

I slip into my pirate costume. Head scarf, eye patch, and earring. I have a cane, and I'm wearing a black sleeveless tee, black jeans, and my pointy renaissance faire shoes.

The fun thing about going into an audition in costume and character like that is it can really mess with the minds of the other guys auditioning.

The CD is very amused. After a few minutes he calls three of us up stairs to where the readings are going on. Now I don't want to jinx myself, but judging from what I heard, I was not in the company of the best actors in Hollywood, or even Van Nuys.

Anyway, the guy before me is also reading for the blind pirate character. The door was open so I could hear him. He was "reading", and he spoke the text like some one reading an IRS tax form. It was so flat and boring I couldn't help but be buoyed by hearing him.

I'm next. I have the eye patch over my dark sunglasses, and I crash into the wall like I can't see on my way into the room.

Well, I tore into the scene and chewed on it like nobodies business. I gave it my all; pirate voice, pirate manner, and pirate fire.

Whatever happens, it was a good story. It will be even better if they hire me! Almost as good a story as my audition at the Scientology Celebrity Center soon after I moved to LA. They didn't hire me.

You can be sure if I am cast as the blind pirate, you will read about it here. Have a great weekend!