My Biggest Fear

What's your biggest fear? What scares you the most? Airplanes, elevators, spiders, rats? We all have something that scares us. Maybe even a myriad of phobias? Well, today, I am going to tell you about my biggest fear, the one thing that scares me most of all. I don't think there is a name for this phobia yet? I don't think there is a support group either. But maybe if I talk about it, share my fear, I'll feel better, and maybe others of you who share this phobia will feel better too.

I have never spoken about this with anyone, not even Kris. But here I go...

I am afraid that I will drop my keys down a sewer or a man hole cover grate and lose them, be trapped somewhere without my keys. Car keys, house keys, it doesn't matter.

Have you ever parked your car and then opened the door to see you are next to a sewer grate in the street? What if my keys slipped out of my hand and fell through the holes of the grate? What if, as I were going around to the passenger side of the car to get something, as I opened the door my keys slipped out of my hand and fell into the gutter and down the sewer? Is this unreasonable? Hasn't this happened to others? This scares the shit out of me, really.

But while I admit I am scared by this, I am also very proactive. I have learned to deal with my phobia in a myriad number of ways.

One, when I am looking for a parking spot, if I see a sewer grate or other unnamed hole in the ground near the designated spot, I will keep driving, even if I am late for a meeting with Steven Spielberg. Fortunately, I have never kept Steven waiting, but if I did, I am sure he would understand.

Two, just in case I missed a sewer or hole, after I park, with the car still running, I open my door and look at the street, both directions, sometimes even looking under the car. Satisfied there are no holes nearby, I turn off the engine, and gripping the keys firmly in my right hand, I remove them from the ignition. When I say firmly, I don't mean firm enough to cause the keys to break through the skin of my hand and cause serious injury, but just firmly enough to know that the keys will not fall out of my hand accidentally and fall into some unknown sewer grate or hole in the ground that should happen to appear in my path.

Three, I know where my keys are at all times. As soon as possible I either put the keys in my pocket, which have been carefully checked for holes before I put my pants on that morning, or, if I must hold the keys in my hand, I will slip a finger through the ring and close my finger around it so I am sure they will not fall.

As you can see, I have found a way to deal with my fear in a healthy and sane manner. Unreasonable as my fear may be, I don't let it stop me from pursuing a myriad of lifestyle activities and leading an active career in the entertainment industry.
And being in the entertainment industry, I like to use the word myriad as often as possible.

One of the myriad benefits of my fear of losing my keys down a sewer grate is, I won't drive after I have been drinking. Drinking leads to impaired vision and motor skills, which might lead me to miss a sewer grate and in my inebriated state, to joyfully toss my keys in the air for no reason other than I am inebriated and prone to doing stupid things. What if, in that joyous toss of my keys, I didn't catch them and they fell down a hole? I may not even know in my drunken stupor what I had done? But I am sure the hangover the next day would not be pretty.

What would I do if my keys did fall through a sewer grate? What if my worst nightmare came true? Well, I have thought about that, a lot. I have an emergency key down a sewer grate kit in my car. In it I keep a high powered xenon flashlight with extra batteries, a set of fishing hooks and sinkers, 1000' of hi-test 50 pound fishing line, 3 metal coat hangers, and a crow bar, for removing the grate in case I have to descend underground. Fortunately I am not claustrophobic, afraid of the dark or rats. Those compound phobias would be quite disastrous to my plans.

You know in the movies you always see the hero reaching for something that is just out of reach? Well, If my keys fall and I get a visual on them, that won't happen to me. I'll be prepared.

I feel better now that I have shared my worst fear publicly. And I only hope that if you too share this dreaded fear of losing your keys down a sewer grate, that you feel better too. Maybe you even have a few more precautionary tips you can share with me? Maybe you even have a name for this phobia? We have to stick together on this, and hold our keys tight.

© 2005 Noel Olken