My Biggest Fear

What's your biggest fear? What scares you the most? Airplanes, elevators, spiders, rats? We all have something that scares us. Maybe even a myriad of phobias? Well, today, I am going to tell you about my biggest fear, the one thing that scares me most of all. I don't think there is a name for this phobia yet? I don't think there is a support group either. But maybe if I talk about it, share my fear, I'll feel better, and maybe others of you who share this phobia will feel better too.

I have never spoken about this with anyone, not even Kris. But here I go...

I am afraid that I will drop my keys down a sewer or a man hole cover grate and lose them, be trapped somewhere without my keys. Car keys, house keys, it doesn't matter.

Have you ever parked your car and then opened the door to see you are next to a sewer grate in the street? What if my keys slipped out of my hand and fell through the holes of the grate? What if, as I were going around to the passenger side of the car to get something, as I opened the door my keys slipped out of my hand and fell into the gutter and down the sewer? Is this unreasonable? Hasn't this happened to others? This scares the shit out of me, really.

But while I admit I am scared by this, I am also very proactive. I have learned to deal with my phobia in a myriad number of ways.

One, when I am looking for a parking spot, if I see a sewer grate or other unnamed hole in the ground near the designated spot, I will keep driving, even if I am late for a meeting with Steven Spielberg. Fortunately, I have never kept Steven waiting, but if I did, I am sure he would understand.

Two, just in case I missed a sewer or hole, after I park, with the car still running, I open my door and look at the street, both directions, sometimes even looking under the car. Satisfied there are no holes nearby, I turn off the engine, and gripping the keys firmly in my right hand, I remove them from the ignition. When I say firmly, I don't mean firm enough to cause the keys to break through the skin of my hand and cause serious injury, but just firmly enough to know that the keys will not fall out of my hand accidentally and fall into some unknown sewer grate or hole in the ground that should happen to appear in my path.

Three, I know where my keys are at all times. As soon as possible I either put the keys in my pocket, which have been carefully checked for holes before I put my pants on that morning, or, if I must hold the keys in my hand, I will slip a finger through the ring and close my finger around it so I am sure they will not fall.

As you can see, I have found a way to deal with my fear in a healthy and sane manner. Unreasonable as my fear may be, I don't let it stop me from pursuing a myriad of lifestyle activities and leading an active career in the entertainment industry.
And being in the entertainment industry, I like to use the word myriad as often as possible.

One of the myriad benefits of my fear of losing my keys down a sewer grate is, I won't drive after I have been drinking. Drinking leads to impaired vision and motor skills, which might lead me to miss a sewer grate and in my inebriated state, to joyfully toss my keys in the air for no reason other than I am inebriated and prone to doing stupid things. What if, in that joyous toss of my keys, I didn't catch them and they fell down a hole? I may not even know in my drunken stupor what I had done? But I am sure the hangover the next day would not be pretty.

What would I do if my keys did fall through a sewer grate? What if my worst nightmare came true? Well, I have thought about that, a lot. I have an emergency key down a sewer grate kit in my car. In it I keep a high powered xenon flashlight with extra batteries, a set of fishing hooks and sinkers, 1000' of hi-test 50 pound fishing line, 3 metal coat hangers, and a crow bar, for removing the grate in case I have to descend underground. Fortunately I am not claustrophobic, afraid of the dark or rats. Those compound phobias would be quite disastrous to my plans.

You know in the movies you always see the hero reaching for something that is just out of reach? Well, If my keys fall and I get a visual on them, that won't happen to me. I'll be prepared.

I feel better now that I have shared my worst fear publicly. And I only hope that if you too share this dreaded fear of losing your keys down a sewer grate, that you feel better too. Maybe you even have a few more precautionary tips you can share with me? Maybe you even have a name for this phobia? We have to stick together on this, and hold our keys tight.

© 2005 Noel Olken

My job this week

I'm working on a television commercial this week. This one is for a national home improvement center.
I love working on television commercials. The pace is so relaxed. The people are so honest and straight forward. Everything they do is thoughtful and based on common sense. They are always so nice to each other. They have the ability to decide something and stick to it. They really commit. You would think with so many different people having to come together to create something, that the decision making process would get bogged down in petty disagreements and bickering, but no, it's the oppposite. They work together flawlessly. It never breaks down like a big three headed monster trying to eat its own tail. Like John Roberts, future supreme court judge, they have no agenda. No agenda but to cooperate and work harmoniously with one another.

And the work, well, advertising in general, and television commercials in particular, are probably the most creative venue available to young men and women to pursue today. Commercials celebrate the independent spirit of America. The brightest and best minds of our generation are working on television commercials.

Haven't you noticed how funny they are? And how visually they push the envelope of cinematic creation? Its inspiring, really, to a guy like me who dreams of one day having a career in the film industry.

And while the midwest is full of talented people, you know the best and brightest of them all, the ones who reallly know what they are doing come from NY or LA. Man, I love working with people from out of town, they have so much to teach me.

And the toys they get to play with? Wow, renting all the neatest coolest gadgets from the rental house is so much fun, even if they never get to use them because they ran out of time. Why we only get to work 18 hour days isn't fair. We should keep going. Like on music videos. They really know how to party on set!

It is going to be hard next week when this job is over and I have to go back to making my little feature films. Oh well, I'll deal with it, I guess.

Where's the bank?

Peace, y'all.

2 True Stories

These are good. The first one comes from my friend Lance M, who plays Alex in our film, Cup Of My Blood. He told me he got a call from a friend of his serving in the National Guard in Iraq. He called from Iraq to tell him he and his buddies had just watched a bootleg copy of Cup Of My Blood. The video isn't even out a week yet and pirated copies are in Iraq. The good thing is, and I think its cool, just like Disney and Universal, we are being affected by global pirating. We've made it to the big time! The even better thing, the service men & women liked the movie. Hey what's not to like?

Story # 2 - So I go into my local Blockbuster Sunday to see if any of the DVD's are rented and how many are still on the shelf. I turn the corner and look at the shelf where they are, just as a woman is picking one up. She reads the front, she turns it over, she reads the back. I'm just watching, wondering what she'll do. I don't say anything. She turns it over again, she's thinking. She keeps it and walks away. I actually walked in at the precise moment to see someone rent our film. That was so cool. 2 of the 4 DVD's at that store were out.

Peace, y'all.

The DVD is on the shelves

Okay, enough of all this tragedy, I got something really important to talk to you about.
Yeah, that's right, after almost two years of work, I got a movie on the shelves of video stores across the country.
Well, not in certain Parishes in the south, but hey, when they get their DVD players hooked up and running again, I'll send them some copies to take their minds off the fact they just lost everything they ever had.

But the rest of you people out there can buy or rent it. Cup Of My Blood! Check it out!

That's me in my local Blockbuster on opening day checking it out in the store!

Just like Catch - 22

The scene down in New Orleans reminds me of something out of Catch 22. Milo Minderbinder (played by George W. Bush in the TV series) sells the country on a tax break and a war, promising that it will make us safer. With his trusty side kick, the head of Homeland IN-Security, they fly about the country spreading the good news! Oh the hi-jinks they get into.

When a little storm hits a small Southern and mostly black part of the country, and people need help, safety, and the security George promised them, they reach out to George. He's not there. No one is there to hear them. (They must be on vacation.) But then, finally, emergency kits are provided. Help trickles in. They open the emergency kits - but they're empty except for a small piece of paper. The paper says, " Good people of America, all our resources have gone into saving the good people of Iraq. Doesn't that feel good? We all win by building a stronger, Democratic Iraq. You have a share. George".

Oh George, you joker!

How's your vacation been this summer?

Mines been pretty good. But we've had a drought up here.

Can you help us?

I Wish I Was In New Orleans

My thoughts go out to all the people in FL, LA, MS, AL and everywhere affected by the hurricane Katrina. I have fond memories of the winter I spent in New Orleans; playing music on the street (and getting arrested for it) playing in a strip club, eating lots of red beans and rice (a buck a plate, can't beat it!) hanging at a cafe called "Until Waiting Fills", selling Mylar balloons at the Mardi Gras Parades, (How Much? Keep walking!), living in Amzies attic, getting completely wasted on Mardi Gras, and finally hopping a freight train out of town with Jane (sex on a moving freight car, as I remember, was not all its cracked up to be).

Those two months were magical, and I will never forget them.

I'm listening to Tom Waits' song, I Wish I Was In New Orleans. It is so beautiful, and is one of those songs that I always sing to myself; more this week than usual.

I only visited New Orleans twice after that winter, once when I was traveling with Nirvana, my Italian girlfriend, (we got the crabs on that trip - probably from the flea bag motels we stayed at) and once when I was in a traveling theatre company and we had a weekend gig in N.O. It was Bourbon St with an expense account that time, and I think we had a good time.

I want to go back to New Orleans when they rebuild. I want to see it again. I'm going to donate some money, and I'm going to think about those people down there and send them some positive energy. I hope they come through this. I want to be at the first jazz Fest in N.O. when they resume. I'm gonna drink a Hurricane!

"Make sure there's a Dixie moon,
New Orleans, I'll be there."
from I Wish I was In New Orleans by Tom Waits

Katrina - you're a bitch!